Sunday, May 26, 2013

Our Stork Got Lost

I've posted a couple of times on this blog about our struggle with infertility, but have been feeling lately like I need to do a little more.  I have found such comfort in reading the stories of other women who have walked this path before me and I feel like perhaps I need to share my story in hopes that someone else might find some comfort or hope.  I want to warn you before I start, I'm not holding back - these infertility posts will be no holds barred.  Feel free to come again tomorrow if you don't wanna read today - nobody will be mad.  :)

If you're choosing to stay - here we go:

Ever since I was a little girl, I have always wanted to be nothing other than a mom.  I dreamed of being pregnant, dreamed up names, practiced with baby dolls and then babysat any chance I could get.  I had always planned to get married and have kids soon after.  I {like many women} took for granted that I would be able to get pregnant, carry a baby inside my body, give birth, and become a mother to a beautiful child.

When Kevin and I got married in June of 2010, we knew we wanted to start our family right away.  He is older than I am, so he wanted to have more children quickly so he would get to experience as much of their lives as possible and given my forever dream to be a mom, I was happy with that plan.  Turns out, God had a different plan in mind.  Here's the medical deal, I don't ovulate.  Without ovulating each month, there is no egg to fertilize.  Without an egg to fertilize, there can be no baby.  So - we began fertility treatments.  We did pills, we did internal ultrasounds, we did blood draws every other day, we did shots every single day for months, we did doctor's appointments weekly, we did hormones - in other words, we did "Katie is in the CRAZY BASEMENT".  My poor husband.  Through all of the difficult months of fertility treatments, here is what I learned: if you had told me "do this for _____ months and you will get a baby", I would've done anything for any amount of time.  What I couldn't handle was the part about not getting a baby out of that madness.  You see, the only way I got through the shots, ultrasounds, doctors appointments, blood draws, pills, etc was with the HOPE that it would lead me to my child - but when it didn't, not only was I cranky because I had gone through not-fun stuff, but I also didn't have a baby.  So not fair.

After months of this nonsense, we were at a cross roads: we could go the route of IVF {pills, shots, etc leading to a surgical procedure where they remove my eggs and then use Kevin's sperm to create an embryo in a dish which is then re-inserted into my body and hopefully attaches to my uterus and then grows into a baby} or adoption.  Again, if someone had told me that IVF would have 100% lead me to our child - I would've done it without thinking twice.  But it's VERY expensive and not guaranteed.  While adoption is also very expensive, it definitely leads us to our baby.  So we have chosen the path of adoption.

I will not sit here and tell you that this decision has been without heartache because it hasn't.  I have {and sometimes still} grieved the loss of creating a biological child.  I am sad that I may never feel my baby kick while it's growing inside of me.  I am upset that I may never get the chance to see a child created by Kevin and I who has little pieces of each of us physically in them.  I am devastated that my body cannot or will not do what I have dreamed of for my entire life.

But at the end of the day, I know that this is God's plan.  I have no idea why, but I know that for some reason, He wants Kevin and I to walk this path.  And ONLY through constant prayer, have I come to realize that although all of the things that I grieve are very real losses for me - there are SO many more blessings in my story.  God can make families across oceans, across biology, across blood.  Certainly, God will create our family in His image and I will be more thankful to experience parenthood than I otherwise would've been.  Of those things, I am sure.

So I will choose to be thankful {even when I don't want to} for this journey I am walking and I will continue to dream about the day I am someone's mom.

I'm going to be someone's mom.  That sentence gives me hope.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

I'm in L.O.V.E.

Well, I finally bit the bullet.  After a few years of wavering back and forth, trying to convince myself that I didn't want to go down this path, working on patience with our PC laptop - I finally just did it.  I switched to a Mac and I am officially in love.

It's taken me most of the afternoon to get things set up, begin transferring files, pictures, and music - but I'm making progress.  In addition, the process of figuring how this operating system works is proving to be a bit of a challenge.  I find myself trying to right click, or scrolling the wrong way - hopefully this learning curve won't last too long!  Each time I sit down to get a little bit of work done, I find it's a little easier to work.  Actually, I think I'm OVERthinking things - really I can just move the window down, or scroll my fingers where I want the picture to go - unlike a PC which is actually far more complicated, I just am used to it.

I do have one confession to make - I've already broken up with iPhoto.  My OCD cannot handle the way that program tries to organize photos.  My I-love-everything-neatly-in-a-dated-folder brain was unable to handle all of the events and not being able to find what I was looking for.  Perhaps iPhoto and I will try to date again in the future, but for now the switch to a Mac is about all I can take today.

In addition friends, this little love affair of mine might just encourage me to post on the old blog more often - any reason to play with my new toy!  :)

Two posts in one day is off to an excellent start.  If I do say so myself.

Time Flies

I have been neglecting this little blog of mine in the worst possible way.  It hasn't been intentional, but that's certainly no excuse.

A dear friend of mine and I were hanging out last night doing girly things and she said to me "you know who would be a great blogger?" I said, "no, who?" She replied with "YOU - you have such an interesting life!  I bet everyone would want to read your blog!"

I quickly explained to her that I do in fact HAVE a blog, but that I clearly am a terrible blogger because I can never remember to write on it.  Actually, that's not true either - I do remember to write on it, I just never feel like my boring life is interesting enough to write about.  However, when I really stop to think about it - the blogs I adore, the ones I check in with every single day, the bloggers I feel connected to and think of as my friends {I am not a stalker...!} - those blogs are about everyday life.  And so, I have a new attitude about this blog.  This blog is for me.  These are things from my life that I want to remember.  If along the way, strangers stumble across this little blog - I would be thrilled.  But if the only person who ever reads this is me, my husband, and my mother - that's ok too!  :)

I am committed to updating a couple of times each week - I'd like to say once per day, but we're not gonna get all wild and crazy just yet.

Stay tuned.