I have dreamt about this for my entire life. I have never worked harder to earn any job as I have to earn the job of MOM. I have never in my life felt more certain that I want something as I am that I want this miracle baby. And yet, a little tiny piece of me is a little bit sad because nothing will ever be the same. I hesitate to even type that because I can just hear all of your groans or see your eye rolls - all of you who have read with me as I've gone month after month without getting pregnant, as we mourned that I wouldn't carry my own child, as we've patiently waited for this angel baby to arrive, and mostly all of you who are in the deep, dark valleys of infertility - I hesitate to say anything aside from THANK YOU and how grateful I am to be where I am - and while I am overwhelmed with gratitude and joy for this gift I'm being given - I also feel like I need to share this other little feeling that creeps into my heart as her birthday approaches.
Monday's have traditionally been a night I am extremely busy and frankly don't always look forward to. I go from teaching, to coaching my high school team, then a quick dinner, and straight to the studio to teach dance until 8:45...it's a long day. And when I get home, I plop on the couch and watch mindless TV while surfing the internet or doing other tasks that require zero energy or thought. As I was driving home, I was thinking about how in a couple of weeks I will be responsible for another human being. Coming home and laying on the couch with Kevin watching TV and reading on our iPads will get a little more complicated. And it made me a little bit sad. Not because I don't want with every fiber of my being to be a mom. Not because I don't love Kamdyn already with every bone in my body. But because I have loved this phase of my life. I love coming home and making dinner for just Kevin & I. I love that he and I can run to the store at 9:00 PM just because we feel like it. I love that we can go to sleep at 8:30 when we want to. I love that we can sit and talk for hours on our couch about nothing or everything. I have loved every day of the life we have built...and while that is not ending - it is changing in ways that I can't even imagine yet.
And while I was thinking of all of this on my way home, the song "You're Gonna Miss This" by Trace Adkins came on the radio. Tears welled up in my eyes. That song has always been kind of catchy and I've always liked it and sung along with it - but today...today I got it.