Kindness

I just can't really express how much I LOVE this quote.  I have loved it for a long time, but it means even more now because every time I look at it, I think of Julie.  I can't explain how humbling it is for me to be on the receiving end of such an act of kindness.  Really, I'm not sure you could call selflessly offering to carry a child for 9 months and then give birth to said child without asking for a solitary thing in return merely KINDNESS, but I honestly don't know what else to call it.

It convicts me for sure.  I have always thought of myself as a kind person - but in today's world it is very rare to find someone who genuinely doesn't want ANYTHING in return.  Someone who does the right or kind thing simply because it's the right thing to do.  I want to be that to people I encounter each day.  I pray that my students see that in me.  I pray that the grocery clerk thinks that of me when I walk away.  I am so in awe of Julie.  She has been thru hell and back in this process so far - blood draws, medicines, shots, 45 minute drives across town multiple times per day - you name it, she's done it.  And she has never one time made me feel like she is being put out.  In fact, she's never made me feel anything besides that she is happily going about the business of making Kevin & I a baby.  I know that my calling is not to be a surrogate for another family - but I have prayed many times in the past few months that whatever my calling is in this world, that I can do it with the loving kindness that Julie has shown me through this process so far.

Most of all, I pray that I can instill this quality in my children one day.  I feel so incredibly blessed to be able to share this real life example of pure and intentional kindness with them.  I am hopeful that my miracle(s) will be someday be a constant and living reminder to anyone who knows the story of their conception and birth that kindness still exists in this world today and it's power transcends all else.

Never underestimate the power of kindness.

1st Appointment Update

I intended to have this up earlier today - but things just didn't really go my way about that!  So, apologies for those of you anxious for an update.

As I mentioned, we spent yesterday driving to the St. Louis area to our first appointment with our fertility specialist.  Yes, I was very excited to meet with the doctor - but even more excited because it meant that Julie, Dan, Kevin & I would have a bit of time together - in person!  :)

The drive from home wasn't too bad actually - only about 4 1/2 hours and pretty easy!  My husband joked that even I could do it myself - which is saying a lot really because I am irrationally terrified slightly nervous about traveling long distances on the interstate by myself.

We got to St. Louis about an hour early, so we stopped at the Arch and looked around to pass the time because let's face it, who wants to sit in a doctor's office any longer than necessary?!

After passing the time by the river, we got in the car to head to the doctor's office.  I immediately began getting butterflies.  I hadn't been nervous all day, but all of a sudden I was terrified.  What if Julie didn't like us?  What if the doctor changed his mind?  What if it didn't feel right?  *looking back on it today, I have no idea what I was so scared about - but in that moment, the weight of this ONE appointment was not lost on me.  

When we pulled in the parking lot, I spotted Julie immediately.  We hugged and I had a small emotional breakdown on her.  It felt so amazing to finally have this angel in my arms - this woman whom I barely know yet feel like I've known my entire life.  Again, the weight of the moment was just more than I was prepared for I think. 

As we walked in, things got a little shaky - they didn't have our paperwork, the doctor was at the hospital and running late, the office was small, smelly and had zero air movement - it was just not a storybook few hours of our lives - but it was a necessary step to our desired outcome.  :)  The doctor finally arrived and saw Kevin & I first, and then Julie.  We went thru his requirements and our questions and everything is going to move forward at this point.  Julie has a few physical tests she will have to endure in the next few weeks and if she passes all of those, we will be moving forward with this clinic!  

I know it seems a bit anti-climactic...but that's really all I know at this point.  We are *hoping* to have a pregnancy or baby within the next year.  That's kind of where we're going to leave the specifics because that's really all we know.  {{One year.}}  It's just unbelievable to be honest.  

After the appointment came my most favorite part of the entire day.  Dinner with Julie, Dan and their beautiful children!  We were finally able to all be in the same room at the same time!  It felt like we had known each other for years, guys.  I'm not kidding.  Conversation flowed freely.  Laughs were abundant.  Tears flowed.  It was blissful.  

Two adorable things that happened during dinner {there were so many - I'm just picking these two for this post because you all have got to be just about bored reading by this point}: 

1. Shane (their oldest son who is going into 3rd Grade) says to us when asked how he feels about his mom carrying a baby for us in her tummy, "I would do anything to help you guys have a family." 

2. Gianna (one of their 17 month old twins) who is extremely shy and sensitive let me hold her after dinner.  Not just hold her - she played with me, she snuggled with me, she stole my heart.   

**heart melted**

She let Kevin hold her too.  But she told me she definitely liked me better.  Not even a competition.

Actually, I wasn't really interested in going home.  Ever.  And Gianna told me she didn't want me to go home either.  I informed Kevin that Gianna whispered to me that she wanted to have a sleep over - but he wasn't buying it.  At all.  

We didn't want to leave, but knowing they will be here next week made "good bye" a bit easier.  Their family has a piece of my heart, for sure.  Things were meant to be.  And again, confirmation that God's plan is far more perfect than anything I could've done myself.

“Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind.” 
                                                                                                                           ― Howard W. Hunter

So, friends - that's that.  Our families work together.  Everything feels natural.  All is right in my world today.

Thanks for your continued prayers, emails, texts and calls.  We couldn't do this without you.

Faith over Worry

I absolutely adore this little picture.

I wish I could say I have spent the past 2 years of our infertility battle practicing this idea - but I haven't.  I have wasted many days of my life worrying.  Ask me how much that helped.  Yep, not at all.  Why is it so hard to let things go?  Why do we desire so badly to be in control?  Why can't I just rest comfortably in the fact that I know God has a plan for my life that will unfold in His perfect timing?  Because I'm human, that's why.

As a self-professed Type A, OCD, control-freak, I am quite confident that God has used this time in my life to teach me to just stop.  I am not in a place quite yet where I can say that I am glad for my struggle - but I am in a place where I can at least be thankful.  I am thankful for this season of my life and hopeful that God would use me for His glory.  I have learned through this terribly painful part of my life that no matter how much I wish, pray, work, worry, or try - it really doesn't matter what I want.

I have always said with my mouth that I believed and trusted in God.  I didn't just say it, I believed it in my head.  That head knowledge really didn't become heart knowledge until very recently.  I said I trusted in God - but what he's taught me thru this experience is that I didn't really.  I trusted Him when He was doing what I wanted Him to.  But when things got hard, I was confident I could do it myself far better than He could.  I will not sit here and tell you this isn't still a struggle for me, but I am WAY better at this on a consistent basis.  As I sit here and type this, I am slightly embarrassed and ashamed to admit how little I really trusted my life with God.

Here's the amazing news.  Every single day, I get to try again.  When I choose to worry and try to do things on my own only to realize I STILL cannot do it, my Heavenly Father forgives me and gently reminds me that He has it under control.  Such an amazing gift.

Today we are headed to meet our fertility specialist with Julie & Dan.  I should be out of my mind nervous and panicking.  I'm not though.  I seriously couldn't be more calm.  I know everything is going to be ok.  We always appreciate prayers for wisdom and grace as we make decisions in the beginning stages of this very exciting process.  We will update very soon.  You guys are amazing.

Much Love -

Ladies & Gentleman - The Kangaroo

Julie & I have had a joke for a little while now that she is our Kangaroo.  She immediately fell in love with the nickname and will occasionally call herself "Kanga".  :)

Brief history: Julie & I danced together at St. Ambrose for one short semester.  I remember her really well actually.  I remember her voice, her mannerisms, and her acrylic nails ((smile)).  After that one semester, we lost touch.  I would by no means classify us as close friends, or really even friends for that matter.  We knew each other.  That's sort of it.  

**Enter the miracle of Facebook**  I found her Facebook profile thru a mutual friend a few years ago and have enjoyed stalking her from time to time.  :)  I remember being excited that she was having twins and watching her pregnancy thru pictures. We would like or comment on each others's statuses - but that was literally the extent of it.  Until May 21st.  Our relationship went from acquaintances to family in one single day.  

I will continue to say it over and over: God is so good.

I don't want to steal her thunder too much - but from the very beginning I have wanted her to be a public part of this journey.  I didn't want her to be some pregnant woman in the shadows of the Kevin & Katie Show.  I wanted all of our friends and family to be able to support and love on her thru this amazing story that she has thrown herself in the middle of.  I had originally asked her to guest blog on this site throughout her surrogacy - but being the amazing woman she is, Julie decided to step it up and take it one step further.

Julie is going to blog on her own site throughout this journey!!  I couldn't be more excited about this! I am anxious for her to be able to experience the therapeutic joy that comes from writing down our story.  I am thankful that she shares my passion for making sure our child has zero questions about our intentions, our journey or the story that led to their birth.  I am overjoyed that she is comfortable sharing the story from her side so that all of our friends and family can stay up-to-date with both of us for this craziness.  Most of all, I am just over the moon that all of you will be able to get to know this Angel on Earth and her remarkable family.  She is so wonderful and I just know all of you will fall in love with her just like we have.

So, without further ado, please meet our Kangaroo - Julie!

Follow the link and give her a little love today :)

Love,

Hidden Chronicles of our Baby #4: Chill the Champagne

**I am writing this in real time and saving it for the right time to publish.  We feel like we need to wait until we have a signed legal contract in order to begin making our plans public.  There are so many emotions I go through each day that I want to be sure to get them down before I forget. :) **

June 19, 2013

Today I got an email from Julie with the subject line: "Chill the Champagne :o)"

When I opened it, here's what I saw:

Katie and Kevin,

Let our journey begin!!!!

Love,

Dan and Julie

Attached was the signed contract.  Our wait is over!!  :)  

I happened to be running rehearsals at the studio today, so when I read it I was able to celebrate quickly between rehearsals {by sobbing in the bathroom and shrieking for a few moments to myself} and then I kind of had to pull it back together because I didn't really want to share this news with all of my students just yet. 

It wasn't for another couple of hours when the reality really hit me.  As I was driving home, the song "Praise You in this Storm" came on the radio.  This song has sort of been my anthem through this entire journey - I remember hearing it many, many times and just crying out to the Lord because I didn't understand WHY on Earth He was putting us thru this.  I remember forcing myself to sing along and forcing my brain to say I would praise Him, even though my heart didn't always believe it.  It had always sort of been a sad song to me, but today as I was driving home I just knew that God was telling me that everything is going to be ok.  Tears spilled down my cheeks as I sang along and my heart overflowed with joy as the reality washed over me.

I am going to be someone's mom.

We have an appointment with a fertility specialist near where Julie lives next Wednesday (June 26th) where we will basically discuss the plan, determine a timeline, and figure out the rest of the details.  

I am hoping to continue blogging thru this journey, but after the consultation on the 26th, I will probably stop posting details because we desperately want to be able to make an exciting pregnancy announcement just like everyone else gets to.  

This is the last Hidden Chronicles - everything from now on will be published in real time - at least until we have an exciting announcement to make :)

Thank you SO much for your love, support, and most importantly your prayers.  We have been so humbled by the outpouring of our family and friends.  We never imagined we would be in the position to share such a remarkable journey with each of you and hope you will continue to pray for us and keep up to date with us either through our Facebook page "Hoping to Adopt - Kevin & Katie" or this blog.

You guys are REMARKABLE.

Love,

Katie :)

Hidden Chronicles of our Baby #3: The Wait

**I am writing this in real time and saving it for the right time to publish.  We feel like we need to wait until we have a signed legal contract in order to begin making our plans public.  There are so many emotions I go through each day that I want to be sure to get them down before I forget. :) **

June 10, 2013

The past week has been a little bit difficult.  We finally found a doctor who was willing to take us on, however their office is unwilling to talk to us without a signed legal contract.  With that being said, we are waiting for Julie and Dan to sign it and send it to us.  It's a really difficult position to be in because I don't want to pressure and my first priority is to ensure that they are comfortable with our agreement.  Yes, we want a baby more than anything - but this is NOT only about us...there is another family involved in this and I want to be respectful of where they are on this journey.

In addition to waiting for the contract, I have been spending time this week reading and doing research on the children of surrogacy and how they adjust to the way they were brought into this world.  I have done a lot of praying, reading, asking, and thinking.  It's been really difficult to remove myself from the situation as best as I can and really make sure we are doing what's right by this child we are creating.

Here's what we've come up with.  There are so many horrible stories of ways children in this world are conceived and brought into this world.  There are so many children in this world that live in homes where they don't have what they need or feel loved.  There are so many people in this world who are blessed with biological children for reasons that are unknown to me.  Our story is not one of those.  I am well aware that Kevin & I will not be perfect parents - but I also know there will not be a child who is loved more than this one.  We feel blessed that modern medicine has created this opportunity for us and even more blessed that God has placed Julie & Dan in our lives to carry out this plan.  We (obviously) have no intention of keeping the story of the way our child was brought into this world a secret.  We plan to share this story often.  We view this as a BLESSING and want this story to just be a part of who this baby is.  We want our child(ren) to know Julie, Dan & their kids.  We have had to come to terms with the fact that not everyone will agree with our decision - however, we have also come to the conclusion that as long as Julie, Dan, Kevin & I are okay with this and we feel like it isn't against what God would want for us and our families, we are comfortable with all of this and will choose to celebrate our story.

So, the long and short of it is this: The wait is HARD, but the journey is SO worth it.

Keep the Faith,

K :)

Hidden Chronicles of our Baby #2: It's all Setting In

**I am writing this in real time and saving it for the right time to publish.  We feel like we need to wait until we have a signed legal contract in order to begin making our plans public.  There are so many emotions I go through each day that I want to be sure to get them down before I forget. :) **

June 3, 2013

It's been a little less than a week since we have sent over the contract drafted by our attorney and Skyped with Julie & Dan.  I have felt every possible emotion in the past week.  Some days I feel completely confident that this will work.  Some days, I am absolutely positive that she is going to call or text me tomorrow to say that this is all just too much for her and that she has to back out.  Some days, quite honestly, I am just in absolute disbelief that this is honestly happening to us.

Tonight, I sat on my couch looking at Pinterest and adding pins to a board I created a long time ago called "My Future Children".  It was so surreal to add to that board and think that in less than a year, it won't be FUTURE children - it will be real.  A sense of complete gratitude washed over me.  I have prayed for this child for literally my entire life and it is so surreal that this remarkable story is happening to us.

Julie and I have become so extremely close.  In fact, it's very rare that we don't communicate somehow each day either thru Skype, texting, Facebook, or email.  If it gets to be the end of the day, I honestly miss her.  I feel so blessed that she has come into our lives and can barely comprehend the sacrifice she has offered to go through for our family.  I am more amazed by her and Dan every single day.

Kevin's an my 3rd anniversary is in two days.  As I sit here blogging, I am so overwhelmed by all the trials and celebrations we have been thru together for the last 3 years.  I am so thankful to God for this amazing man who has been such a constant source of support for me.  He has talked me off the ledge, helped me thru the valley when things seemed as though they would never work out, and celebrated with me on the mountain tops as things have started to come together.  I cannot imagine someone I would rather share this journey with.

Until next time - 

Keep the Faith, Friends

Katie :)

Hidden Chronicles of our Baby #1: God is Good.

*No, we are NOT pregnant.  This is our journey*
 **The purpose of this post (and really this whole blog) is to 1. keep our family and friends informed and 2. so that I remember this incredible journey.  It's long and contains details many of you probably don't care about, but I don't want to forget.  I hope you're ready for this amazing ride with us.  :)**

God is so good.

Today (June 19, 2013) I received a signed contract from Julie - we have had this in the works for about a month, but didn't want to make it public without the necessary legal documents in order.  I have been blogging in real time thru this entire process and have been saving each post for the day I would be able to click PUBLISH.  Today is that day.

Praise God.

On May 21 before I left for work I created a Facebook Community Page for our adoption journey.  The sole purpose of this page was to rally support and spread the word.  To be frank, I never in my wildest dreams thought anything would come from it other than our family and friends staying up to date with us and sending up some prayers.  By the end of the 2nd day we had over 300 likes and shares.  We were overwhelmed with support and love.

That night at 9:07 PM someone I went to college with (Julie) messaged me.  She said she was touched by our journey and that she would pray for us.  She also asked if we had considered surrogacy.  I replied back that I appreciated her prayers more than she could know and that though we had discussed surrogacy briefly, we hadn't done much research.  I asked her if she had experience or other information to share.

On May 22nd (exactly one week from the day I'm writing this post) at 8:05 PM, Julie messaged me and said that while she didn't have any information for me, she knew in her heart that she was supposed to be a surrogate in her lifetime.  She said that her husband (Dan) and her had discussed this many times and felt so blessed by their own children that she just knows that God has blessed her with the ability to provide another family with a child of their own.  Then she said the sentence that would change our life forever:

"I know this may sound abrupt or out of the blue, but if you decide to go that route, I would LOVE to be considered to help you bring life into this world."

Do you hear the angels singing?  

Kevin and I spent that night talking about the possibilities, texting Julie about insurance, discussing logistics, etc.  Kevin was cautiously optimistic.  I was over the moon excited and mostly overwhelmed.  As I'm reflecting, I feel like I should've felt strange about this whole process, but I never one time have.  It's like a sense of peace about it from day one.  Bizarre.

May 22nd was a Wednesday.  It was a beautiful night - Kevin and I walked for a long time that night talking, dreaming, planning.  It was perfect.  The next day, I was super busy at work and had a banquet for the studio at night, so I really didn't have much time - but I remember periodically throughout the day I would stop and think, did that seriously happen? I would then look back at the messages from the night before.  Yep.  That's real.  She seriously offered that.  I didn't dream that.  Holy crap, I might be somebody's mom.  No, seriously - SOMEBODY'S MOM.  

Julie and I talked a bit more thru text the night of the 23rd and she reassured me that she is still serious.  She's still not going anywhere.  And that whatever time we needed to get our ducks in a row was fine with her.  I'm telling you - this woman is an ANGEL.  I called our attorney that night and scheduled an appointment with her - this was a real possibility.

That weekend was Memorial Day which was extremely busy with end-of-the-year things at school, family time, and our niece's graduation in Dubuque - on Sunday night Julie texted me saying that she wanted to give us our space but that she wanted us to know that she was thinking about us. 

We met with our attorney on Tuesday (May 28th) afternoon to discuss the logistical legal business.  There were a few snafu's that needed to be addressed such as where the baby would be delivered, insurance, contract agreements, etc.  That night Julie and her husband Dan agreed to Skype with Kevin & I.  For some reason I was really nervous.  Yep, not nervous for someone else to carry my child - but terrified to talk with them over Skype.  I'm ridiculous.  Just ask Kevin.  :)  Our Skype session literally could not have gone better.  We got the logistics ironed out, the insurance business all turned out to be fine, she agreed to deliver where we live {I've told you a million times, she's wonderful}, and they are anticipating looking over the contract and signing it.  Out of that Skype conversation, I kept saying "this is just too good to be true.  There has to be a catch." Julie & Dan continued to emphasize that there is NO catch.  Julie shared a story about listening to her Pastor at church talk about the fact that there should be no random acts of kindness, only intentional acts of kindness.  That really made me stop and think.  And Dan said "there are not enough people in this world who will do the right thing simply because it's the right thing to do."  Both of them are angels sent straight from God himself.

This is for real.  She is going to bring a baby into this world that we get to keep forever.

God is so good.