'Twas the Night before Mother's Day...

...and I cannot stop thinking about how overwhelmingly thankful I am to not be dreading tomorrow.  For the first time in 4 years, I am not wishing tomorrow would be over before it's even begun.

I would literally cry myself to sleep on the night before Mother's Day.  I would cry because I didn't want to go to church and see all the moms with their adorable children.  I would cry because when we went to lunch with my family I would need to smile an be happy to celebrate my incredible mom and sister for the wonderful mothers that they are...but I still felt left out.  I would cry because even though my sweet husband always did a little celebrating because I am Kaitlyn's step-mom, it didn't change the fact that I wasn't a "real" mom.  I would cry because every solitary place I went, there were mothers.  I would cry because quite frankly, it's not fair.

Tonight, as I'm sitting on my couch looking at the little miracle who has made me a mom - I cry for different reasons.  I am so, so thankful to be her mom.  And I have realized that while I think about Julie most every day anyway, Mother's Day will always be a day that she will be in the top of my mind.  While Kamdyn will grow up calling her Aunt JuJu - the reality is that Julie is her birthmother and Kamdyn wouldn't be here without her.  And I wouldn't be a mother without her.  So, not only will I be celebrating being a mom tomorrow, every year on Mother's Day, I will celebrate Julie...for giving me my reason to celebrate.

With all the thankfulness I have in my heart, there is still a little place of sadness for all the women who are sad tonight thinking about tomorrow.  I pray that I never forget what that feels like.  While that might sound strange to most of you, I actually think that pain makes me a better mom.  That pain reminds me how badly I wanted to be a mom.  That pain allows me to be compassionate and empathetic to all those women who are experiencing pain caused by infertility, loss, or loneliness.

I will spend my day tomorrow celebrating moms, being thankful that someone in this world finally calls me Mama, and praying for those who desperately wish they felt like they had a reason to celebrate tomorrow.  I hope you will join me.

Lots of Love -

Infertility Bites

Welp between the title of the post and this excellent piece of clipart to the left here, that pretty much sums up my feelings on infertility.  I continue to be amazed at the ways God has used and continues to use my story to help other people.  While there are some days I question why on Earth I put my entire life on the internet for complete strangers to read, more days than not I am humbled that I have a story that touches other people's lives and helps them make some sense of their own.

Anyway, I'm linking up with Kelly over at Kelly's Korner today for another addition of Show Us Your Life - and this week is on infertility.  I love to read her SUYL series because it gives you a quick glimpse into other people's story - and I love that!

Back to infertility.  I'm not going to go on and on repeating nonsense that many of you have read before...sooooo, I'm just going to direct you to the top of this page and click on Kamdyn's Story for anyone who hopped over here from Kelly's blog and are looking for our infertility story.  I hope that Kamdyn's story will give hope to those of you in the middle of this struggle and serve as a reminder to those of us not in the middle of infertility that God's plans are often far better than our own and that good people still do walk this Earth.  I pray every single day for families {specifically mama's} who are in the midst of the anguish, embarrassment, shame, and hardship of infertility.

"While it is not the road we chose for ourself, I have found strength in two things: 1. that I'm not alone, no matter how alone I feel.  And 2. when I feel as though I'm in the depths of a valley, the only place to look is up."

Enjoy!

Miracles

I pray that when people look at my daughter, they always think about this exact quote.  

All throughout this struggle, I have worked really hard to never stop believing in hope.  I will not sit here and tell you that I have always been good at this, because I haven't.  Nor can I sit here and tell you that there haven't been days that I haven't cried myself to sleep or allowed myself to despair about the hand I was dealt.  However, I have always prayed that God would continue to put on my heart that His plans for my life are perfect.  I am so thankful that I never gave up hope.  I am so thankful that God chose me to walk this journey.

I am so thankful that every single day I will get to look at this beautiful child and have a living reminder that miracles do indeed happen everyday.

Keep Hoping, Friends -

Hardships

I came across this the other day and it really struck a cord with me.  As our story is getting out, people have emailed, sent texts and Facebook messages, and stopped me randomly to tell me how much our story has touched them.  I am saying this with humility because it is still extremely bizarre to me that this miracle is actually happening to me.  The is really MY life.  I am a very ordinary girl from a small town in Iowa.  I grew up with the "All-American" family - two parents who love each other and a younger sister.  I graduated from high school, went to college, and found my dream job.  I fell in love with an incredible man and we got married.  My story is no different than yours.  I am one person.  Yet, God is using my story in big ways in other people's lives.  And for that, I am eternally thankful.

When I saw this quote, it really spoke to me because I feel like I am finally in a place where I can see the hardship we faced for the blessing it truly was and still is.  Had we not gone through the past 3 years of infertility trials and heartbreak, the beautiful story of generosity and compassion that I'm living because of Julie & Dan wouldn't be - and in turn, the people our story has touched and inspired to perform intentional acts of kindness for others might never have occurred.  When I stop and think about the ripple effect of people who have been touched by the hardships Kevin & I have gone through, I get tears in my eyes.  Although I would've never chosen this journey for myself, I am living proof that God's plans for our lives are often far more than we could've ever dreamed for ourselves.

I'm challenging each of you to view the hardships you're facing today as an opportunity to bless and inspire others.  You never know where the ripple effect of you sharing your story will end.

Lots of Love,

a LITTLE weekend recap...

I'm sorry for my silence lately, friends.  I have to admit, it makes my heart warm when I hear someone tell me they've missed my daily check in's.  Quite honestly, I've missed my LITTLE daily check in's too!  The simple fact that people even read this LITTLE blog of mine is still so crazy to me.  

Back to my silence.  I'm sorry about that...between school starting, Platinum back in regular season practices/games, and just day-to-day life - I just needed to carve out a LITTLE time to sit down and blog.  There has been one other LITTLE reason I haven't had much blog-time...I am so excited to be able to FINALLY have a LITTLE something to talk about around here!!

Spent Friday night with my mom, sister, Maicey, Jenny & Emma eating dinner and then shopping for a LITTLE someone:

Spent Saturday afternoon cheerin' for my Hawkeye's!  Next year there will be another LITTLE fan in our house...

And spent Saturday night at the Above the Barre Retreat with our competition kiddos.  This has become a long standing and VERY popular tradition almost since the studio opened.  At the Retreat, we were able to spill our LITTLE secret - in the form of this:

Not to worry, I will be back tomorrow {and everyday this week} with LOTS more details.

In the meantime, HAPPY SUNDAY, friends!  Thanks for caring about our {growing} family.

Lots of Love,

The Best is Yet to Come

This little picture has gotten me through lots and lots of days where the sadness I feel about our inability to have babies has just overtaken me.  I'm not really a pessimistic person, so the glass is almost always half full for me.

That little sprout growing out of that huge tree stump is so symbolic to me of so many things.  I think about the hope that can come in the most impossible of places.  I cannot tell you the amount of emails or conversations I've had with people since blogging about this journey that have gone something like this: "we had trouble getting pregnant too" or "you have no idea the strength I've gained from reading about your battle - THANK YOU FOR TALKING ABOUT IT".  These conversations humble me, but they also remind me that in the midst of this dark season in our lives, I might be providing hope for someone else.  It only takes ONE single light to lighten the dark.  Just one.

That little sprout also obviously symbolizes our future child(ren).  Growing out of the dark and hard time in our life.  But growing nonetheless.

And the thought that this is not our final destination is just such a remarkable reminder.  Although my present situation is certainly not what I would've chosen, it's exactly where I'm supposed to be - and for that, I will be thankful.

Be light today, friends.  :)

You Can.

I wish I could tell you the amount of times someone has said to me, "I could never do what you're doing" or "there is NO WAY I could go through that".

I'm here to tell you this: YOU CAN.  And you would.

Many mothers I've spoken to have told me the lengths they would go to for their children.  They would give them anything.  They would go to the ends of the earth to make them happy.  They would die for their children.  I have often said that my fight for my children just happens to have begun before they were even conceived.  And I would be willing to bet, most any woman in my position would echo the exact same feeling.

Many, many women face these same circumstances and do so with Grace and faith.  I aspire to be them.  The community of infertility is strange because there are SO many people going through this struggle - but it's just not talked about a lot.  I am not here to claim that my journey is any harder or easier than anyone else's...that's the thing - how do you quantify this horrible season?  "Oh you want a baby more than she does, so that makes your's harder..."  "Oh you've had 5 miscarriages and she has had zero, so that makes you more of a Mother Warrior..."  These statements are ridiculous and unthinkable.  There is simply no way to justify my journey's difficulty level in comparison to anyone else's.

The simple reality is that this is hard.  And unfair.  And painful.

But, I promise you - you would be able to do it.  If for no other reason that this: there really isn't another option.  I am continually amazed at the strength I have found within myself simply because giving up isn't a viable choice for this Mommy's heart.

If I can do it, you can too.  I promise.

Be Kind Today -

Pain

I found this image on a site one day as I was surfing the internet in search of comfort, answers, and hope.  When I saw it, I saved it in my "adoption" folder on the computer and figured I would come back to it someday.  The simple sentence on the plain black background struck me.  It's so simple, yet so very powerful.

The journey of infertility is filled with so many different emotions that sometimes it's all I can do to keep it all together.  The most frequent emotion throughout this path for me is difficult to pinpoint, but 'pain' is up there among the top few words that come to mind.

I am not usually someone who cries "it's not fair" or wonders "why me" - but I can't say that those thoughts don't creep into my mind or that I don't have to pray every single day that God will continue to keep those thoughts from my mind and heart.

The other night after everyone in my house was asleep, I was spending some time reading a book a dear friend graciously gave to me called Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake when the most beautiful words jumped off the page at me.  These are the words I have worked to put together for the past 3 years and they somehow managed to heal a small piece of the pain I'm carrying from this journey.

"While it is indeed a road less traveled, this winding way of childlessness was one I did not choose to tread.  I often limped along this uphill trail, kicking and fighting my way through the dense underbrush of discouragement.  But through the journey, God provided green pastures where my aching soul could draw comfort from the recognition that my loving heavenly Father approved the course before allowing me to take my first step."  - Hannah's Hope page 15

Here's the deal, it doesn't have to make sense to me now, or ever for that matter.  My human-ness simply cannot see or understand the bigger picture at play here anymore than I would be able to make out the beautiful scene of a 500 piece puzzle by merely looking at one single piece.  I have prayed throughout this uphill trail that God would use me and my story in powerful ways.  I don't know what those are, whether they are big or small is not my concern, when they happen in my lifetime is not something I worry about - I just find immeasurable comfort in knowing that this path that I am fighting my way through is one that was chosen for me by the God of the Universe.  The same God that created the sky and the sand, the same God that created the sun and the moon and the stars - that exact same God has chosen this path for me.  Who am I to change my little piece of this puzzle?  How do I know the big or small ways that my piece might change the bigger puzzle?   

Today, as I look at that image, I am able to say that each day the pain I carry makes a little more sense.

Hope

This week has been hard.  Coming off the high of our 4th of July weekend, there have been some major challenges thrown at us with our surrogacy this week.  Things ranging from insurance to scheduling to personal questions to answer.  I have been pushed beyond where I thought my breaking point was, and guess what friends?  I'm still here.  Still breathing.  Still praying.  Still hoping.

I find in the midst of all the crap that's thrown at us on a frequent basis, that small word at the top of this blog post is often the ONLY thing that gets me through.  HOPE that God has this under control, HOPE that we are making the right decisions, HOPE that all of this will lead us to our baby.

If you believe in the power of prayer, I would ask that you pray for us this week as we continue to make decisions, attend appointments, speak with medical professionals, and finalize a schedule.  We are always seeking wisdom and grace through these very important decisions and an extra dose of HOPE can't hurt either.

You guys are amazing.  Thanks for caring about our family.  Thank you for being attached to our journey.  Most of all, thank you for HOPING with us.

Lots of Love,

How to take care of a friend going through Infertility

Did you know that 1 in 8 couples will experience infertility?  How about the fact that nearly 7.3 million American women will experience difficulty getting pregnant?  That's a lot of people.  There is absolutely no reason this is such a quiet topic.  It's like nobody knows how to talk about it, so we just don't.  Well I am.  It's too important not to talk about it.

I can't tell you how many people have either asked me how to deal with a friend who is experiencing infertility or have actually reacted this way to me.  I am in no way passing judgement - I've been guilty of saying/doing these things before I was on this road of infertility myself.  I'm saying these things for the sole purpose of educating people and causing us all to think.

Questions like: How do I tell her I'm pregnant?  How do I talk about my kids?  How do I ask her how she's doing?  I know these are touchy subjects and I know it can be difficult - but my number 1 piece of advice is this: infertility is a PART of who I am, not my entire being.  I am still Kevin's wife, Kaitlyn's step-mom, Mike & Barb's daughter, Kim's sister, Sam & Maicey's Tante, a Christian, a teacher, a friend.  I genuinely don't want people to feel sorry for me...so please don't.  Please know that your empathy is what I want, not your sympathy.  I am capable of talking about more than our struggle to start a family.  I would love to just sit and have a normal conversation with you.  I'm really not that different.

How to announce that you're pregnant:

• First of all, TELL HER.  Don't make her find out from someone else, on Facebook, or in passing.  
• Don't assume we will be sad.  Pregnancy for ANYONE we love is an amazing thing and although we are sad for ourselves, we are happy for you.  Don't make your announcement about me.
• Saying things like, "I don't know why it's me and not you" or "I'm sure your time is coming" are not helpful.  The reason it's you and not me is because God decided that's the way it was.  We don't have to get it.  But that makes things a bit awkward.

How to talk about pregnancy/kids:

• I would first say that it's important to remember that no matter how crappy you feel while you're pregnant, no matter how irritating your children are to you today - please remember the ENORMOUS blessing you have been granted.  Constant complaining, joking about giving your children away, or wishing your pregnancy would be over are HIGHLY irritating to women going thru infertility.  I would give literally anything to be in your position...no matter how unglamorous it is.
• DO NOT ask anyone "when ya having babies?!"  First of all, it's simply rude.  If they wanted you to know they are trying, they would tell you.  Maybe they don't want children.  Or maybe they're struggling to get pregnant.  I cannot tell you the amount of times I used to ask this to my newly married friends.  Or how many times I've been asked this in the last three years.  It's an unnecessary question and frankly none of our business.
• The only other piece of advice I have in this area is to just simply talk about it.  I want to talk about your adorable children - just not all the time.  Again, I'm not that different.  :)

How to ask how I'm doing:

• First of all, I could not get thru this without the support of family and friends - so please don't underestimate the power of you simply taking the time to care about our struggle.
• Understand that while I love talking about our journey, it is not the sum total of who I am.  I don't want to talk about it everyday.  I love when people email me and say "I know you don't want to always talk about it, but if you do - please know I'm here." Or when someone says nothing more than "I'm praying for you".  Those small gestures mean a lot.
• This seems a little bit of a contradiction to what I just said, but be respectful of our privacy.  I (obviously) have no intention of keeping things private or not talking about our journey - but there are certain parts of our journey that we only plan to share with our family and closest friends.  I don't find the need to discuss eggs, sperm, and every minute detail of our journey with everyone on the planet.  Please don't ask specific personal questions - it's an awkward conversation. ((if you're my family/close friends who might as well be family - please disregard that bullet :) ))

In closing - please understand that every single day is different.  Depending on the day, our needs are different.  Sometimes just asking "how can I love you today?" is like the biggest breath of fresh air.  

I hope this list is helpful to some of my friends who have asked how to approach infertility.  And to anyone who's reading who has experienced infertility - please add comments if I've forgotten anything you think needs to be said.  Everyone is different and I would love to hear other perspectives.

Thanks for reading today, friends -

Mom

First of all, I want to thank you all so much for your interest in our story!  This little blog of mine has seen quite the increase in readers this week!  :)  If you would be interested in following this blog - there is a place for you to follow on the right hand sidebar - I'd love to see who is all reading!  :)

Just stopping in today with a little something I found on a blog somewhere a long time ago.  I've had it tucked away for a long time, and just ran across it the other day.

Every single time I read it, my eyes just fill with tears.  Even more so after the events of the last month.

I'm warning you: grab a tissue.  :)

A baby asked God, “They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?”

“Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you.”

The child further inquired, “But tell me, here in heaven I don’t have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy.”

God said, “Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel’s love and be very happy.”

Again the child asked, “And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don’t know the language?”

God said, “Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak.”

“And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?”

God said, “Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray.”

“Who will protect me?”

God said, “Your angel will defend you even if it means risking it’s life.”

“But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore.”

God said, “Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you.”

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, “God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel’s name.”

“You will simply call her, ‘Mom.’”

Happy Sunday, Friends -

Enjoy your family today :)

Hidden Chronicles of our Baby #4: Chill the Champagne

**I am writing this in real time and saving it for the right time to publish.  We feel like we need to wait until we have a signed legal contract in order to begin making our plans public.  There are so many emotions I go through each day that I want to be sure to get them down before I forget. :) **

June 19, 2013

Today I got an email from Julie with the subject line: "Chill the Champagne :o)"

When I opened it, here's what I saw:

Katie and Kevin,

Let our journey begin!!!!

Love,

Dan and Julie

Attached was the signed contract.  Our wait is over!!  :)  

I happened to be running rehearsals at the studio today, so when I read it I was able to celebrate quickly between rehearsals {by sobbing in the bathroom and shrieking for a few moments to myself} and then I kind of had to pull it back together because I didn't really want to share this news with all of my students just yet. 

It wasn't for another couple of hours when the reality really hit me.  As I was driving home, the song "Praise You in this Storm" came on the radio.  This song has sort of been my anthem through this entire journey - I remember hearing it many, many times and just crying out to the Lord because I didn't understand WHY on Earth He was putting us thru this.  I remember forcing myself to sing along and forcing my brain to say I would praise Him, even though my heart didn't always believe it.  It had always sort of been a sad song to me, but today as I was driving home I just knew that God was telling me that everything is going to be ok.  Tears spilled down my cheeks as I sang along and my heart overflowed with joy as the reality washed over me.

I am going to be someone's mom.

We have an appointment with a fertility specialist near where Julie lives next Wednesday (June 26th) where we will basically discuss the plan, determine a timeline, and figure out the rest of the details.  

I am hoping to continue blogging thru this journey, but after the consultation on the 26th, I will probably stop posting details because we desperately want to be able to make an exciting pregnancy announcement just like everyone else gets to.  

This is the last Hidden Chronicles - everything from now on will be published in real time - at least until we have an exciting announcement to make :)

Thank you SO much for your love, support, and most importantly your prayers.  We have been so humbled by the outpouring of our family and friends.  We never imagined we would be in the position to share such a remarkable journey with each of you and hope you will continue to pray for us and keep up to date with us either through our Facebook page "Hoping to Adopt - Kevin & Katie" or this blog.

You guys are REMARKABLE.

Love,

Katie :)

Hidden Chronicles of our Baby #3: The Wait

**I am writing this in real time and saving it for the right time to publish.  We feel like we need to wait until we have a signed legal contract in order to begin making our plans public.  There are so many emotions I go through each day that I want to be sure to get them down before I forget. :) **

June 10, 2013

The past week has been a little bit difficult.  We finally found a doctor who was willing to take us on, however their office is unwilling to talk to us without a signed legal contract.  With that being said, we are waiting for Julie and Dan to sign it and send it to us.  It's a really difficult position to be in because I don't want to pressure and my first priority is to ensure that they are comfortable with our agreement.  Yes, we want a baby more than anything - but this is NOT only about us...there is another family involved in this and I want to be respectful of where they are on this journey.

In addition to waiting for the contract, I have been spending time this week reading and doing research on the children of surrogacy and how they adjust to the way they were brought into this world.  I have done a lot of praying, reading, asking, and thinking.  It's been really difficult to remove myself from the situation as best as I can and really make sure we are doing what's right by this child we are creating.

Here's what we've come up with.  There are so many horrible stories of ways children in this world are conceived and brought into this world.  There are so many children in this world that live in homes where they don't have what they need or feel loved.  There are so many people in this world who are blessed with biological children for reasons that are unknown to me.  Our story is not one of those.  I am well aware that Kevin & I will not be perfect parents - but I also know there will not be a child who is loved more than this one.  We feel blessed that modern medicine has created this opportunity for us and even more blessed that God has placed Julie & Dan in our lives to carry out this plan.  We (obviously) have no intention of keeping the story of the way our child was brought into this world a secret.  We plan to share this story often.  We view this as a BLESSING and want this story to just be a part of who this baby is.  We want our child(ren) to know Julie, Dan & their kids.  We have had to come to terms with the fact that not everyone will agree with our decision - however, we have also come to the conclusion that as long as Julie, Dan, Kevin & I are okay with this and we feel like it isn't against what God would want for us and our families, we are comfortable with all of this and will choose to celebrate our story.

So, the long and short of it is this: The wait is HARD, but the journey is SO worth it.

Keep the Faith,

K :)

Hidden Chronicles of our Baby #2: It's all Setting In

**I am writing this in real time and saving it for the right time to publish.  We feel like we need to wait until we have a signed legal contract in order to begin making our plans public.  There are so many emotions I go through each day that I want to be sure to get them down before I forget. :) **

June 3, 2013

It's been a little less than a week since we have sent over the contract drafted by our attorney and Skyped with Julie & Dan.  I have felt every possible emotion in the past week.  Some days I feel completely confident that this will work.  Some days, I am absolutely positive that she is going to call or text me tomorrow to say that this is all just too much for her and that she has to back out.  Some days, quite honestly, I am just in absolute disbelief that this is honestly happening to us.

Tonight, I sat on my couch looking at Pinterest and adding pins to a board I created a long time ago called "My Future Children".  It was so surreal to add to that board and think that in less than a year, it won't be FUTURE children - it will be real.  A sense of complete gratitude washed over me.  I have prayed for this child for literally my entire life and it is so surreal that this remarkable story is happening to us.

Julie and I have become so extremely close.  In fact, it's very rare that we don't communicate somehow each day either thru Skype, texting, Facebook, or email.  If it gets to be the end of the day, I honestly miss her.  I feel so blessed that she has come into our lives and can barely comprehend the sacrifice she has offered to go through for our family.  I am more amazed by her and Dan every single day.

Kevin's an my 3rd anniversary is in two days.  As I sit here blogging, I am so overwhelmed by all the trials and celebrations we have been thru together for the last 3 years.  I am so thankful to God for this amazing man who has been such a constant source of support for me.  He has talked me off the ledge, helped me thru the valley when things seemed as though they would never work out, and celebrated with me on the mountain tops as things have started to come together.  I cannot imagine someone I would rather share this journey with.

Until next time - 

Keep the Faith, Friends

Katie :)

Hidden Chronicles of our Baby #1: God is Good.

*No, we are NOT pregnant.  This is our journey*
 **The purpose of this post (and really this whole blog) is to 1. keep our family and friends informed and 2. so that I remember this incredible journey.  It's long and contains details many of you probably don't care about, but I don't want to forget.  I hope you're ready for this amazing ride with us.  :)**

God is so good.

Today (June 19, 2013) I received a signed contract from Julie - we have had this in the works for about a month, but didn't want to make it public without the necessary legal documents in order.  I have been blogging in real time thru this entire process and have been saving each post for the day I would be able to click PUBLISH.  Today is that day.

Praise God.

On May 21 before I left for work I created a Facebook Community Page for our adoption journey.  The sole purpose of this page was to rally support and spread the word.  To be frank, I never in my wildest dreams thought anything would come from it other than our family and friends staying up to date with us and sending up some prayers.  By the end of the 2nd day we had over 300 likes and shares.  We were overwhelmed with support and love.

That night at 9:07 PM someone I went to college with (Julie) messaged me.  She said she was touched by our journey and that she would pray for us.  She also asked if we had considered surrogacy.  I replied back that I appreciated her prayers more than she could know and that though we had discussed surrogacy briefly, we hadn't done much research.  I asked her if she had experience or other information to share.

On May 22nd (exactly one week from the day I'm writing this post) at 8:05 PM, Julie messaged me and said that while she didn't have any information for me, she knew in her heart that she was supposed to be a surrogate in her lifetime.  She said that her husband (Dan) and her had discussed this many times and felt so blessed by their own children that she just knows that God has blessed her with the ability to provide another family with a child of their own.  Then she said the sentence that would change our life forever:

"I know this may sound abrupt or out of the blue, but if you decide to go that route, I would LOVE to be considered to help you bring life into this world."

Do you hear the angels singing?  

Kevin and I spent that night talking about the possibilities, texting Julie about insurance, discussing logistics, etc.  Kevin was cautiously optimistic.  I was over the moon excited and mostly overwhelmed.  As I'm reflecting, I feel like I should've felt strange about this whole process, but I never one time have.  It's like a sense of peace about it from day one.  Bizarre.

May 22nd was a Wednesday.  It was a beautiful night - Kevin and I walked for a long time that night talking, dreaming, planning.  It was perfect.  The next day, I was super busy at work and had a banquet for the studio at night, so I really didn't have much time - but I remember periodically throughout the day I would stop and think, did that seriously happen? I would then look back at the messages from the night before.  Yep.  That's real.  She seriously offered that.  I didn't dream that.  Holy crap, I might be somebody's mom.  No, seriously - SOMEBODY'S MOM.  

Julie and I talked a bit more thru text the night of the 23rd and she reassured me that she is still serious.  She's still not going anywhere.  And that whatever time we needed to get our ducks in a row was fine with her.  I'm telling you - this woman is an ANGEL.  I called our attorney that night and scheduled an appointment with her - this was a real possibility.

That weekend was Memorial Day which was extremely busy with end-of-the-year things at school, family time, and our niece's graduation in Dubuque - on Sunday night Julie texted me saying that she wanted to give us our space but that she wanted us to know that she was thinking about us. 

We met with our attorney on Tuesday (May 28th) afternoon to discuss the logistical legal business.  There were a few snafu's that needed to be addressed such as where the baby would be delivered, insurance, contract agreements, etc.  That night Julie and her husband Dan agreed to Skype with Kevin & I.  For some reason I was really nervous.  Yep, not nervous for someone else to carry my child - but terrified to talk with them over Skype.  I'm ridiculous.  Just ask Kevin.  :)  Our Skype session literally could not have gone better.  We got the logistics ironed out, the insurance business all turned out to be fine, she agreed to deliver where we live {I've told you a million times, she's wonderful}, and they are anticipating looking over the contract and signing it.  Out of that Skype conversation, I kept saying "this is just too good to be true.  There has to be a catch." Julie & Dan continued to emphasize that there is NO catch.  Julie shared a story about listening to her Pastor at church talk about the fact that there should be no random acts of kindness, only intentional acts of kindness.  That really made me stop and think.  And Dan said "there are not enough people in this world who will do the right thing simply because it's the right thing to do."  Both of them are angels sent straight from God himself.

This is for real.  She is going to bring a baby into this world that we get to keep forever.

God is so good.

Our Stork Got Lost

I've posted a couple of times on this blog about our struggle with infertility, but have been feeling lately like I need to do a little more.  I have found such comfort in reading the stories of other women who have walked this path before me and I feel like perhaps I need to share my story in hopes that someone else might find some comfort or hope.  I want to warn you before I start, I'm not holding back - these infertility posts will be no holds barred.  Feel free to come again tomorrow if you don't wanna read today - nobody will be mad.  :)

If you're choosing to stay - here we go:

Ever since I was a little girl, I have always wanted to be nothing other than a mom.  I dreamed of being pregnant, dreamed up names, practiced with baby dolls and then babysat any chance I could get.  I had always planned to get married and have kids soon after.  I {like many women} took for granted that I would be able to get pregnant, carry a baby inside my body, give birth, and become a mother to a beautiful child.

When Kevin and I got married in June of 2010, we knew we wanted to start our family right away.  He is older than I am, so he wanted to have more children quickly so he would get to experience as much of their lives as possible and given my forever dream to be a mom, I was happy with that plan.  Turns out, God had a different plan in mind.  Here's the medical deal, I don't ovulate.  Without ovulating each month, there is no egg to fertilize.  Without an egg to fertilize, there can be no baby.  So - we began fertility treatments.  We did pills, we did internal ultrasounds, we did blood draws every other day, we did shots every single day for months, we did doctor's appointments weekly, we did hormones - in other words, we did "Katie is in the CRAZY BASEMENT".  My poor husband.  Through all of the difficult months of fertility treatments, here is what I learned: if you had told me "do this for _____ months and you will get a baby", I would've done anything for any amount of time.  What I couldn't handle was the part about not getting a baby out of that madness.  You see, the only way I got through the shots, ultrasounds, doctors appointments, blood draws, pills, etc was with the HOPE that it would lead me to my child - but when it didn't, not only was I cranky because I had gone through not-fun stuff, but I also didn't have a baby.  So not fair.

After months of this nonsense, we were at a cross roads: we could go the route of IVF {pills, shots, etc leading to a surgical procedure where they remove my eggs and then use Kevin's sperm to create an embryo in a dish which is then re-inserted into my body and hopefully attaches to my uterus and then grows into a baby} or adoption.  Again, if someone had told me that IVF would have 100% lead me to our child - I would've done it without thinking twice.  But it's VERY expensive and not guaranteed.  While adoption is also very expensive, it definitely leads us to our baby.  So we have chosen the path of adoption.

I will not sit here and tell you that this decision has been without heartache because it hasn't.  I have {and sometimes still} grieved the loss of creating a biological child.  I am sad that I may never feel my baby kick while it's growing inside of me.  I am upset that I may never get the chance to see a child created by Kevin and I who has little pieces of each of us physically in them.  I am devastated that my body cannot or will not do what I have dreamed of for my entire life.

But at the end of the day, I know that this is God's plan.  I have no idea why, but I know that for some reason, He wants Kevin and I to walk this path.  And ONLY through constant prayer, have I come to realize that although all of the things that I grieve are very real losses for me - there are SO many more blessings in my story.  God can make families across oceans, across biology, across blood.  Certainly, God will create our family in His image and I will be more thankful to experience parenthood than I otherwise would've been.  Of those things, I am sure.

So I will choose to be thankful {even when I don't want to} for this journey I am walking and I will continue to dream about the day I am someone's mom.

I'm going to be someone's mom.  That sentence gives me hope.

Something to Laugh About...

First I have something that isn't really something to laugh about.  A blogger I stumbled across through another blog I read is going through heart-wrenching, unimaginable, get-on-your-knees-and-pray pain right now.  Julee from The Turner Channel lost her husband earlier this week, and her sweet miracle baby, 10 month old Preslee, lost her daddy this week.  I don't know this family in real life, but my heart breaks into a million pieces for them.

In support of her, many bloggers are doing a day of silence, and I'm doing just the opposite.  She has inspired me to post a little about my story.  I'm not going to get into it very much tonight, but my husband and I have spent 2 years struggling through infertility.  It has been the biggest rollercoaster of my life, but I am absolutely a different and stronger person now than I was when I began.  I have been wanting to blog about this for awhile now, but it's so personal and I was too scared.  After reading Julee's blog, I've decided to swallow my fear and blog about it.  Julee's blog helped me, and maybe I can help someone else.

With all of that being said, here is a little excerpt from one of my favorite posts of her entire blog.  Something to laugh about...because there isn't much usually when talking about or going through this crazy journey.  But when you can find something, when you can see anything positive, when you can keep your heart in one piece and smile about the little things: that, my friends, gets you through the hard days.

So, here you go: something to laugh about.  :)

You can go read the article and more atwww.999reasonstolaugh.com... but here are her suggestions formore realistic titled fertility books:

• What to Expect after you’ve peed on a stick and you’re not sure if you really see a second line or it’s your imagination.
• What to Expect when you’ve been waiting all day for the fertility doctor to call you back.
• What to Expect after you’ve stared at the toilet paper and thought that you might have seen a red dot.
• What to Expect when you’re partner’s sperm count is in the negatives.
• What to Expect after you’ve had baby-making sex, not because you wanted to, but because it was ovulation time.
• What to Expect when cousin Martha gets pregnant on her first try.
• What to Expect when you have way too much PCOS-related facial hair.
• What to Expect after you’ve been inseminated by a 20 year old fertility intern named Teresa.
• What to Expect when your Facebook friends happily post their ultrasound photos and you want to shoot yourself.
• What to Expect after you’ve just eaten a container of ice cream following a BFN.
• What to Expect when you’re at a baby shower sobbing in the guest of honor’s bathroom.
• What to Expect when you have to give yourself a fertility injection during cousin Emma’s wedding.
• What to Expect when you’re mother gives you another newspaper articles about infertility.
• What to Expect when you’re completely jealous of all pregnant women but won’t ever admit it.
• What to Expect when you feel hopeless and this blog reminds you to never give up HOPE.

Please pray for Julee and Preslee.

Love,

Katie :)