If you're choosing to stay - here we go:
Ever since I was a little girl, I have always wanted to be nothing other than a mom. I dreamed of being pregnant, dreamed up names, practiced with baby dolls and then babysat any chance I could get. I had always planned to get married and have kids soon after. I {like many women} took for granted that I would be able to get pregnant, carry a baby inside my body, give birth, and become a mother to a beautiful child.
When Kevin and I got married in June of 2010, we knew we wanted to start our family right away. He is older than I am, so he wanted to have more children quickly so he would get to experience as much of their lives as possible and given my forever dream to be a mom, I was happy with that plan. Turns out, God had a different plan in mind. Here's the medical deal, I don't ovulate. Without ovulating each month, there is no egg to fertilize. Without an egg to fertilize, there can be no baby. So - we began fertility treatments. We did pills, we did internal ultrasounds, we did blood draws every other day, we did shots every single day for months, we did doctor's appointments weekly, we did hormones - in other words, we did "Katie is in the CRAZY BASEMENT". My poor husband. Through all of the difficult months of fertility treatments, here is what I learned: if you had told me "do this for _____ months and you will get a baby", I would've done anything for any amount of time. What I couldn't handle was the part about not getting a baby out of that madness. You see, the only way I got through the shots, ultrasounds, doctors appointments, blood draws, pills, etc was with the HOPE that it would lead me to my child - but when it didn't, not only was I cranky because I had gone through not-fun stuff, but I also didn't have a baby. So not fair.
After months of this nonsense, we were at a cross roads: we could go the route of IVF {pills, shots, etc leading to a surgical procedure where they remove my eggs and then use Kevin's sperm to create an embryo in a dish which is then re-inserted into my body and hopefully attaches to my uterus and then grows into a baby} or adoption. Again, if someone had told me that IVF would have 100% lead me to our child - I would've done it without thinking twice. But it's VERY expensive and not guaranteed. While adoption is also very expensive, it definitely leads us to our baby. So we have chosen the path of adoption.
I will not sit here and tell you that this decision has been without heartache because it hasn't. I have {and sometimes still} grieved the loss of creating a biological child. I am sad that I may never feel my baby kick while it's growing inside of me. I am upset that I may never get the chance to see a child created by Kevin and I who has little pieces of each of us physically in them. I am devastated that my body cannot or will not do what I have dreamed of for my entire life.
But at the end of the day, I know that this is God's plan. I have no idea why, but I know that for some reason, He wants Kevin and I to walk this path. And ONLY through constant prayer, have I come to realize that although all of the things that I grieve are very real losses for me - there are SO many more blessings in my story. God can make families across oceans, across biology, across blood. Certainly, God will create our family in His image and I will be more thankful to experience parenthood than I otherwise would've been. Of those things, I am sure.
So I will choose to be thankful {even when I don't want to} for this journey I am walking and I will continue to dream about the day I am someone's mom.
I'm going to be someone's mom. That sentence gives me hope.
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