Faith over Worry

I absolutely adore this little picture.

I wish I could say I have spent the past 2 years of our infertility battle practicing this idea - but I haven't.  I have wasted many days of my life worrying.  Ask me how much that helped.  Yep, not at all.  Why is it so hard to let things go?  Why do we desire so badly to be in control?  Why can't I just rest comfortably in the fact that I know God has a plan for my life that will unfold in His perfect timing?  Because I'm human, that's why.

As a self-professed Type A, OCD, control-freak, I am quite confident that God has used this time in my life to teach me to just stop.  I am not in a place quite yet where I can say that I am glad for my struggle - but I am in a place where I can at least be thankful.  I am thankful for this season of my life and hopeful that God would use me for His glory.  I have learned through this terribly painful part of my life that no matter how much I wish, pray, work, worry, or try - it really doesn't matter what I want.

I have always said with my mouth that I believed and trusted in God.  I didn't just say it, I believed it in my head.  That head knowledge really didn't become heart knowledge until very recently.  I said I trusted in God - but what he's taught me thru this experience is that I didn't really.  I trusted Him when He was doing what I wanted Him to.  But when things got hard, I was confident I could do it myself far better than He could.  I will not sit here and tell you this isn't still a struggle for me, but I am WAY better at this on a consistent basis.  As I sit here and type this, I am slightly embarrassed and ashamed to admit how little I really trusted my life with God.

Here's the amazing news.  Every single day, I get to try again.  When I choose to worry and try to do things on my own only to realize I STILL cannot do it, my Heavenly Father forgives me and gently reminds me that He has it under control.  Such an amazing gift.

Today we are headed to meet our fertility specialist with Julie & Dan.  I should be out of my mind nervous and panicking.  I'm not though.  I seriously couldn't be more calm.  I know everything is going to be ok.  We always appreciate prayers for wisdom and grace as we make decisions in the beginning stages of this very exciting process.  We will update very soon.  You guys are amazing.

Much Love -

How to take care of a friend going through Infertility

Did you know that 1 in 8 couples will experience infertility?  How about the fact that nearly 7.3 million American women will experience difficulty getting pregnant?  That's a lot of people.  There is absolutely no reason this is such a quiet topic.  It's like nobody knows how to talk about it, so we just don't.  Well I am.  It's too important not to talk about it.

I can't tell you how many people have either asked me how to deal with a friend who is experiencing infertility or have actually reacted this way to me.  I am in no way passing judgement - I've been guilty of saying/doing these things before I was on this road of infertility myself.  I'm saying these things for the sole purpose of educating people and causing us all to think.

Questions like: How do I tell her I'm pregnant?  How do I talk about my kids?  How do I ask her how she's doing?  I know these are touchy subjects and I know it can be difficult - but my number 1 piece of advice is this: infertility is a PART of who I am, not my entire being.  I am still Kevin's wife, Kaitlyn's step-mom, Mike & Barb's daughter, Kim's sister, Sam & Maicey's Tante, a Christian, a teacher, a friend.  I genuinely don't want people to feel sorry for me...so please don't.  Please know that your empathy is what I want, not your sympathy.  I am capable of talking about more than our struggle to start a family.  I would love to just sit and have a normal conversation with you.  I'm really not that different.

How to announce that you're pregnant:

• First of all, TELL HER.  Don't make her find out from someone else, on Facebook, or in passing.  
• Don't assume we will be sad.  Pregnancy for ANYONE we love is an amazing thing and although we are sad for ourselves, we are happy for you.  Don't make your announcement about me.
• Saying things like, "I don't know why it's me and not you" or "I'm sure your time is coming" are not helpful.  The reason it's you and not me is because God decided that's the way it was.  We don't have to get it.  But that makes things a bit awkward.

How to talk about pregnancy/kids:

• I would first say that it's important to remember that no matter how crappy you feel while you're pregnant, no matter how irritating your children are to you today - please remember the ENORMOUS blessing you have been granted.  Constant complaining, joking about giving your children away, or wishing your pregnancy would be over are HIGHLY irritating to women going thru infertility.  I would give literally anything to be in your position...no matter how unglamorous it is.
• DO NOT ask anyone "when ya having babies?!"  First of all, it's simply rude.  If they wanted you to know they are trying, they would tell you.  Maybe they don't want children.  Or maybe they're struggling to get pregnant.  I cannot tell you the amount of times I used to ask this to my newly married friends.  Or how many times I've been asked this in the last three years.  It's an unnecessary question and frankly none of our business.
• The only other piece of advice I have in this area is to just simply talk about it.  I want to talk about your adorable children - just not all the time.  Again, I'm not that different.  :)

How to ask how I'm doing:

• First of all, I could not get thru this without the support of family and friends - so please don't underestimate the power of you simply taking the time to care about our struggle.
• Understand that while I love talking about our journey, it is not the sum total of who I am.  I don't want to talk about it everyday.  I love when people email me and say "I know you don't want to always talk about it, but if you do - please know I'm here." Or when someone says nothing more than "I'm praying for you".  Those small gestures mean a lot.
• This seems a little bit of a contradiction to what I just said, but be respectful of our privacy.  I (obviously) have no intention of keeping things private or not talking about our journey - but there are certain parts of our journey that we only plan to share with our family and closest friends.  I don't find the need to discuss eggs, sperm, and every minute detail of our journey with everyone on the planet.  Please don't ask specific personal questions - it's an awkward conversation. ((if you're my family/close friends who might as well be family - please disregard that bullet :) ))

In closing - please understand that every single day is different.  Depending on the day, our needs are different.  Sometimes just asking "how can I love you today?" is like the biggest breath of fresh air.  

I hope this list is helpful to some of my friends who have asked how to approach infertility.  And to anyone who's reading who has experienced infertility - please add comments if I've forgotten anything you think needs to be said.  Everyone is different and I would love to hear other perspectives.

Thanks for reading today, friends -

Ladies & Gentleman - The Kangaroo

Julie & I have had a joke for a little while now that she is our Kangaroo.  She immediately fell in love with the nickname and will occasionally call herself "Kanga".  :)

Brief history: Julie & I danced together at St. Ambrose for one short semester.  I remember her really well actually.  I remember her voice, her mannerisms, and her acrylic nails ((smile)).  After that one semester, we lost touch.  I would by no means classify us as close friends, or really even friends for that matter.  We knew each other.  That's sort of it.  

**Enter the miracle of Facebook**  I found her Facebook profile thru a mutual friend a few years ago and have enjoyed stalking her from time to time.  :)  I remember being excited that she was having twins and watching her pregnancy thru pictures. We would like or comment on each others's statuses - but that was literally the extent of it.  Until May 21st.  Our relationship went from acquaintances to family in one single day.  

I will continue to say it over and over: God is so good.

I don't want to steal her thunder too much - but from the very beginning I have wanted her to be a public part of this journey.  I didn't want her to be some pregnant woman in the shadows of the Kevin & Katie Show.  I wanted all of our friends and family to be able to support and love on her thru this amazing story that she has thrown herself in the middle of.  I had originally asked her to guest blog on this site throughout her surrogacy - but being the amazing woman she is, Julie decided to step it up and take it one step further.

Julie is going to blog on her own site throughout this journey!!  I couldn't be more excited about this! I am anxious for her to be able to experience the therapeutic joy that comes from writing down our story.  I am thankful that she shares my passion for making sure our child has zero questions about our intentions, our journey or the story that led to their birth.  I am overjoyed that she is comfortable sharing the story from her side so that all of our friends and family can stay up-to-date with both of us for this craziness.  Most of all, I am just over the moon that all of you will be able to get to know this Angel on Earth and her remarkable family.  She is so wonderful and I just know all of you will fall in love with her just like we have.

So, without further ado, please meet our Kangaroo - Julie!

Follow the link and give her a little love today :)

Love,

Mom

First of all, I want to thank you all so much for your interest in our story!  This little blog of mine has seen quite the increase in readers this week!  :)  If you would be interested in following this blog - there is a place for you to follow on the right hand sidebar - I'd love to see who is all reading!  :)

Just stopping in today with a little something I found on a blog somewhere a long time ago.  I've had it tucked away for a long time, and just ran across it the other day.

Every single time I read it, my eyes just fill with tears.  Even more so after the events of the last month.

I'm warning you: grab a tissue.  :)

A baby asked God, “They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?”

“Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you.”

The child further inquired, “But tell me, here in heaven I don’t have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy.”

God said, “Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel’s love and be very happy.”

Again the child asked, “And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don’t know the language?”

God said, “Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak.”

“And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?”

God said, “Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray.”

“Who will protect me?”

God said, “Your angel will defend you even if it means risking it’s life.”

“But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore.”

God said, “Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you.”

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, “God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel’s name.”

“You will simply call her, ‘Mom.’”

Happy Sunday, Friends -

Enjoy your family today :)

Hidden Chronicles of our Baby #4: Chill the Champagne

**I am writing this in real time and saving it for the right time to publish.  We feel like we need to wait until we have a signed legal contract in order to begin making our plans public.  There are so many emotions I go through each day that I want to be sure to get them down before I forget. :) **

June 19, 2013

Today I got an email from Julie with the subject line: "Chill the Champagne :o)"

When I opened it, here's what I saw:

Katie and Kevin,

Let our journey begin!!!!

Love,

Dan and Julie

Attached was the signed contract.  Our wait is over!!  :)  

I happened to be running rehearsals at the studio today, so when I read it I was able to celebrate quickly between rehearsals {by sobbing in the bathroom and shrieking for a few moments to myself} and then I kind of had to pull it back together because I didn't really want to share this news with all of my students just yet. 

It wasn't for another couple of hours when the reality really hit me.  As I was driving home, the song "Praise You in this Storm" came on the radio.  This song has sort of been my anthem through this entire journey - I remember hearing it many, many times and just crying out to the Lord because I didn't understand WHY on Earth He was putting us thru this.  I remember forcing myself to sing along and forcing my brain to say I would praise Him, even though my heart didn't always believe it.  It had always sort of been a sad song to me, but today as I was driving home I just knew that God was telling me that everything is going to be ok.  Tears spilled down my cheeks as I sang along and my heart overflowed with joy as the reality washed over me.

I am going to be someone's mom.

We have an appointment with a fertility specialist near where Julie lives next Wednesday (June 26th) where we will basically discuss the plan, determine a timeline, and figure out the rest of the details.  

I am hoping to continue blogging thru this journey, but after the consultation on the 26th, I will probably stop posting details because we desperately want to be able to make an exciting pregnancy announcement just like everyone else gets to.  

This is the last Hidden Chronicles - everything from now on will be published in real time - at least until we have an exciting announcement to make :)

Thank you SO much for your love, support, and most importantly your prayers.  We have been so humbled by the outpouring of our family and friends.  We never imagined we would be in the position to share such a remarkable journey with each of you and hope you will continue to pray for us and keep up to date with us either through our Facebook page "Hoping to Adopt - Kevin & Katie" or this blog.

You guys are REMARKABLE.

Love,

Katie :)

Hidden Chronicles of our Baby #3: The Wait

**I am writing this in real time and saving it for the right time to publish.  We feel like we need to wait until we have a signed legal contract in order to begin making our plans public.  There are so many emotions I go through each day that I want to be sure to get them down before I forget. :) **

June 10, 2013

The past week has been a little bit difficult.  We finally found a doctor who was willing to take us on, however their office is unwilling to talk to us without a signed legal contract.  With that being said, we are waiting for Julie and Dan to sign it and send it to us.  It's a really difficult position to be in because I don't want to pressure and my first priority is to ensure that they are comfortable with our agreement.  Yes, we want a baby more than anything - but this is NOT only about us...there is another family involved in this and I want to be respectful of where they are on this journey.

In addition to waiting for the contract, I have been spending time this week reading and doing research on the children of surrogacy and how they adjust to the way they were brought into this world.  I have done a lot of praying, reading, asking, and thinking.  It's been really difficult to remove myself from the situation as best as I can and really make sure we are doing what's right by this child we are creating.

Here's what we've come up with.  There are so many horrible stories of ways children in this world are conceived and brought into this world.  There are so many children in this world that live in homes where they don't have what they need or feel loved.  There are so many people in this world who are blessed with biological children for reasons that are unknown to me.  Our story is not one of those.  I am well aware that Kevin & I will not be perfect parents - but I also know there will not be a child who is loved more than this one.  We feel blessed that modern medicine has created this opportunity for us and even more blessed that God has placed Julie & Dan in our lives to carry out this plan.  We (obviously) have no intention of keeping the story of the way our child was brought into this world a secret.  We plan to share this story often.  We view this as a BLESSING and want this story to just be a part of who this baby is.  We want our child(ren) to know Julie, Dan & their kids.  We have had to come to terms with the fact that not everyone will agree with our decision - however, we have also come to the conclusion that as long as Julie, Dan, Kevin & I are okay with this and we feel like it isn't against what God would want for us and our families, we are comfortable with all of this and will choose to celebrate our story.

So, the long and short of it is this: The wait is HARD, but the journey is SO worth it.

Keep the Faith,

K :)

Hidden Chronicles of our Baby #2: It's all Setting In

**I am writing this in real time and saving it for the right time to publish.  We feel like we need to wait until we have a signed legal contract in order to begin making our plans public.  There are so many emotions I go through each day that I want to be sure to get them down before I forget. :) **

June 3, 2013

It's been a little less than a week since we have sent over the contract drafted by our attorney and Skyped with Julie & Dan.  I have felt every possible emotion in the past week.  Some days I feel completely confident that this will work.  Some days, I am absolutely positive that she is going to call or text me tomorrow to say that this is all just too much for her and that she has to back out.  Some days, quite honestly, I am just in absolute disbelief that this is honestly happening to us.

Tonight, I sat on my couch looking at Pinterest and adding pins to a board I created a long time ago called "My Future Children".  It was so surreal to add to that board and think that in less than a year, it won't be FUTURE children - it will be real.  A sense of complete gratitude washed over me.  I have prayed for this child for literally my entire life and it is so surreal that this remarkable story is happening to us.

Julie and I have become so extremely close.  In fact, it's very rare that we don't communicate somehow each day either thru Skype, texting, Facebook, or email.  If it gets to be the end of the day, I honestly miss her.  I feel so blessed that she has come into our lives and can barely comprehend the sacrifice she has offered to go through for our family.  I am more amazed by her and Dan every single day.

Kevin's an my 3rd anniversary is in two days.  As I sit here blogging, I am so overwhelmed by all the trials and celebrations we have been thru together for the last 3 years.  I am so thankful to God for this amazing man who has been such a constant source of support for me.  He has talked me off the ledge, helped me thru the valley when things seemed as though they would never work out, and celebrated with me on the mountain tops as things have started to come together.  I cannot imagine someone I would rather share this journey with.

Until next time - 

Keep the Faith, Friends

Katie :)