You're Gonna Miss This

Tonight was my last dance class before Kamdyn.  The first in a long list of "lasts" - last night was our last Sunday night in our house alone... soon we will be counting the last time we go to the grocery store without either having to find someone to watch our daughter or bringing her with us, or the last time we eat dinner just the two of us without having to find a babysitter, etc.

I have dreamt about this for my entire life.  I have never worked harder to earn any job as I have to earn the job of MOM.  I have never in my life felt more certain that I want something as I am that I want this miracle baby.  And yet, a little tiny piece of me is a little bit sad because nothing will ever be the same.  I hesitate to even type that because I can just hear all of your groans or see your eye rolls - all of you who have read with me as I've gone month after month without getting pregnant, as we mourned that I wouldn't carry my own child, as we've patiently waited for this angel baby to arrive, and mostly all of you who are in the deep, dark valleys of infertility - I hesitate to say anything aside from THANK YOU and how grateful I am to be where I am - and while I am overwhelmed with gratitude and joy for this gift I'm being given - I also feel like I need to share this other little feeling that creeps into my heart as her birthday approaches.

Monday's have traditionally been a night I am extremely busy and frankly don't always look forward to.  I go from teaching, to coaching my high school team, then a quick dinner, and straight to the studio to teach dance until 8:45...it's a long day.  And when I get home, I plop on the couch and watch mindless TV while surfing the internet or doing other tasks that require zero energy or thought.  As I was driving home, I was thinking about how in a couple of weeks I will be responsible for another human being.  Coming home and laying on the couch with Kevin watching TV and reading on our iPads will get a little more complicated.  And it made me a little bit sad.  Not because I don't want with every fiber of my being to be a mom.  Not because I don't love Kamdyn already with every bone in my body.  But because I have loved this phase of my life.  I love coming home and making dinner for just Kevin & I.  I love that he and I can run to the store at 9:00 PM just because we feel like it.  I love that we can go to sleep at 8:30 when we want to.  I love that we can sit and talk for hours on our couch about nothing or everything.  I have loved every day of the life we have built...and while that is not ending - it is changing in ways that I can't even imagine yet.

And while I was thinking of all of this on my way home, the song "You're Gonna Miss This" by Trace Adkins came on the radio.  Tears welled up in my eyes.  That song has always been kind of catchy and I've always liked it and sung along with it - but today...today I got it.

She was staring out that window, of that SUV
Complaining, saying I can't wait to turn 18
She said I'll make my own money, and I'll make my own rules
Mamma put the car in park out there in front of the school
Then she kissed her head and said I was just like you

[Chorus]
You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now 
But you're gonna miss this

Before she knows it she's a brand new bride
In a one-bedroom apartment, and her daddy stops by
He tells her It's a nice place
She says It'll do for now
Starts talking about babies and buying a house
Daddy shakes his head and says Baby, just slow down

[Chorus]
You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now 
But you're gonna miss this

Five years later there's a plumber workin' on the water heater
Dog's barkin', phone's ringin'
One kid's cryin', one kid's screamin'
She keeps apologizin'
He says They don't bother me. 
I've got 2 babies of my own. 
One's 36, one's 23.
Huh, it's hard to believe, but ...

[Chorus]
You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around 
You may not know it now 
But you're gonna miss this
You're gonna miss this
Yeah, you're gonna miss this

Today, as tears streamed down my face, I got it.  When people always used to tell me not to wish away the time before I had kids and I would get so pissed off - I got it now.  When my dad used to tell me not to grow up before I had to - I got it now.  When parents of teenagers tell me to enjoy every single sleepless night with my tiny infant - I got it.  I get it.  

So I pledge to continue to remind myself that one day, I will look back and miss whatever phase I'm currently in.  I pledge to work hard to not wish away a solitary moment.  And I pledge to try to enjoy every single good, bad, ugly, awesome, terrifying, incredible part of this wild ride I'm about to begin.

That was what I like to call a "Heart Dump" - all of that was on my heart tonight and I'm glad I got it out.  Perhaps some of you might be able to tell me I haven't completely lost my mind?!  Because I'm currently feeling like I need some affirmation!  Or medication?!  :)

That's all -

Goodnight, friends!