Mom

First of all, I want to thank you all so much for your interest in our story!  This little blog of mine has seen quite the increase in readers this week!  :)  If you would be interested in following this blog - there is a place for you to follow on the right hand sidebar - I'd love to see who is all reading!  :)

Just stopping in today with a little something I found on a blog somewhere a long time ago.  I've had it tucked away for a long time, and just ran across it the other day.

Every single time I read it, my eyes just fill with tears.  Even more so after the events of the last month.

I'm warning you: grab a tissue.  :)

A baby asked God, “They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?”

“Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you.”

The child further inquired, “But tell me, here in heaven I don’t have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy.”

God said, “Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel’s love and be very happy.”

Again the child asked, “And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don’t know the language?”

God said, “Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak.”

“And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?”

God said, “Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray.”

“Who will protect me?”

God said, “Your angel will defend you even if it means risking it’s life.”

“But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore.”

God said, “Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you.”

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, “God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel’s name.”

“You will simply call her, ‘Mom.’”

Happy Sunday, Friends -

Enjoy your family today :)

Hidden Chronicles of our Baby #4: Chill the Champagne

**I am writing this in real time and saving it for the right time to publish.  We feel like we need to wait until we have a signed legal contract in order to begin making our plans public.  There are so many emotions I go through each day that I want to be sure to get them down before I forget. :) **

June 19, 2013

Today I got an email from Julie with the subject line: "Chill the Champagne :o)"

When I opened it, here's what I saw:

Katie and Kevin,

Let our journey begin!!!!

Love,

Dan and Julie

Attached was the signed contract.  Our wait is over!!  :)  

I happened to be running rehearsals at the studio today, so when I read it I was able to celebrate quickly between rehearsals {by sobbing in the bathroom and shrieking for a few moments to myself} and then I kind of had to pull it back together because I didn't really want to share this news with all of my students just yet. 

It wasn't for another couple of hours when the reality really hit me.  As I was driving home, the song "Praise You in this Storm" came on the radio.  This song has sort of been my anthem through this entire journey - I remember hearing it many, many times and just crying out to the Lord because I didn't understand WHY on Earth He was putting us thru this.  I remember forcing myself to sing along and forcing my brain to say I would praise Him, even though my heart didn't always believe it.  It had always sort of been a sad song to me, but today as I was driving home I just knew that God was telling me that everything is going to be ok.  Tears spilled down my cheeks as I sang along and my heart overflowed with joy as the reality washed over me.

I am going to be someone's mom.

We have an appointment with a fertility specialist near where Julie lives next Wednesday (June 26th) where we will basically discuss the plan, determine a timeline, and figure out the rest of the details.  

I am hoping to continue blogging thru this journey, but after the consultation on the 26th, I will probably stop posting details because we desperately want to be able to make an exciting pregnancy announcement just like everyone else gets to.  

This is the last Hidden Chronicles - everything from now on will be published in real time - at least until we have an exciting announcement to make :)

Thank you SO much for your love, support, and most importantly your prayers.  We have been so humbled by the outpouring of our family and friends.  We never imagined we would be in the position to share such a remarkable journey with each of you and hope you will continue to pray for us and keep up to date with us either through our Facebook page "Hoping to Adopt - Kevin & Katie" or this blog.

You guys are REMARKABLE.

Love,

Katie :)

Hidden Chronicles of our Baby #3: The Wait

**I am writing this in real time and saving it for the right time to publish.  We feel like we need to wait until we have a signed legal contract in order to begin making our plans public.  There are so many emotions I go through each day that I want to be sure to get them down before I forget. :) **

June 10, 2013

The past week has been a little bit difficult.  We finally found a doctor who was willing to take us on, however their office is unwilling to talk to us without a signed legal contract.  With that being said, we are waiting for Julie and Dan to sign it and send it to us.  It's a really difficult position to be in because I don't want to pressure and my first priority is to ensure that they are comfortable with our agreement.  Yes, we want a baby more than anything - but this is NOT only about us...there is another family involved in this and I want to be respectful of where they are on this journey.

In addition to waiting for the contract, I have been spending time this week reading and doing research on the children of surrogacy and how they adjust to the way they were brought into this world.  I have done a lot of praying, reading, asking, and thinking.  It's been really difficult to remove myself from the situation as best as I can and really make sure we are doing what's right by this child we are creating.

Here's what we've come up with.  There are so many horrible stories of ways children in this world are conceived and brought into this world.  There are so many children in this world that live in homes where they don't have what they need or feel loved.  There are so many people in this world who are blessed with biological children for reasons that are unknown to me.  Our story is not one of those.  I am well aware that Kevin & I will not be perfect parents - but I also know there will not be a child who is loved more than this one.  We feel blessed that modern medicine has created this opportunity for us and even more blessed that God has placed Julie & Dan in our lives to carry out this plan.  We (obviously) have no intention of keeping the story of the way our child was brought into this world a secret.  We plan to share this story often.  We view this as a BLESSING and want this story to just be a part of who this baby is.  We want our child(ren) to know Julie, Dan & their kids.  We have had to come to terms with the fact that not everyone will agree with our decision - however, we have also come to the conclusion that as long as Julie, Dan, Kevin & I are okay with this and we feel like it isn't against what God would want for us and our families, we are comfortable with all of this and will choose to celebrate our story.

So, the long and short of it is this: The wait is HARD, but the journey is SO worth it.

Keep the Faith,

K :)

Hidden Chronicles of our Baby #2: It's all Setting In

**I am writing this in real time and saving it for the right time to publish.  We feel like we need to wait until we have a signed legal contract in order to begin making our plans public.  There are so many emotions I go through each day that I want to be sure to get them down before I forget. :) **

June 3, 2013

It's been a little less than a week since we have sent over the contract drafted by our attorney and Skyped with Julie & Dan.  I have felt every possible emotion in the past week.  Some days I feel completely confident that this will work.  Some days, I am absolutely positive that she is going to call or text me tomorrow to say that this is all just too much for her and that she has to back out.  Some days, quite honestly, I am just in absolute disbelief that this is honestly happening to us.

Tonight, I sat on my couch looking at Pinterest and adding pins to a board I created a long time ago called "My Future Children".  It was so surreal to add to that board and think that in less than a year, it won't be FUTURE children - it will be real.  A sense of complete gratitude washed over me.  I have prayed for this child for literally my entire life and it is so surreal that this remarkable story is happening to us.

Julie and I have become so extremely close.  In fact, it's very rare that we don't communicate somehow each day either thru Skype, texting, Facebook, or email.  If it gets to be the end of the day, I honestly miss her.  I feel so blessed that she has come into our lives and can barely comprehend the sacrifice she has offered to go through for our family.  I am more amazed by her and Dan every single day.

Kevin's an my 3rd anniversary is in two days.  As I sit here blogging, I am so overwhelmed by all the trials and celebrations we have been thru together for the last 3 years.  I am so thankful to God for this amazing man who has been such a constant source of support for me.  He has talked me off the ledge, helped me thru the valley when things seemed as though they would never work out, and celebrated with me on the mountain tops as things have started to come together.  I cannot imagine someone I would rather share this journey with.

Until next time - 

Keep the Faith, Friends

Katie :)

Hidden Chronicles of our Baby #1: God is Good.

*No, we are NOT pregnant.  This is our journey*
 **The purpose of this post (and really this whole blog) is to 1. keep our family and friends informed and 2. so that I remember this incredible journey.  It's long and contains details many of you probably don't care about, but I don't want to forget.  I hope you're ready for this amazing ride with us.  :)**

God is so good.

Today (June 19, 2013) I received a signed contract from Julie - we have had this in the works for about a month, but didn't want to make it public without the necessary legal documents in order.  I have been blogging in real time thru this entire process and have been saving each post for the day I would be able to click PUBLISH.  Today is that day.

Praise God.

On May 21 before I left for work I created a Facebook Community Page for our adoption journey.  The sole purpose of this page was to rally support and spread the word.  To be frank, I never in my wildest dreams thought anything would come from it other than our family and friends staying up to date with us and sending up some prayers.  By the end of the 2nd day we had over 300 likes and shares.  We were overwhelmed with support and love.

That night at 9:07 PM someone I went to college with (Julie) messaged me.  She said she was touched by our journey and that she would pray for us.  She also asked if we had considered surrogacy.  I replied back that I appreciated her prayers more than she could know and that though we had discussed surrogacy briefly, we hadn't done much research.  I asked her if she had experience or other information to share.

On May 22nd (exactly one week from the day I'm writing this post) at 8:05 PM, Julie messaged me and said that while she didn't have any information for me, she knew in her heart that she was supposed to be a surrogate in her lifetime.  She said that her husband (Dan) and her had discussed this many times and felt so blessed by their own children that she just knows that God has blessed her with the ability to provide another family with a child of their own.  Then she said the sentence that would change our life forever:

"I know this may sound abrupt or out of the blue, but if you decide to go that route, I would LOVE to be considered to help you bring life into this world."

Do you hear the angels singing?  

Kevin and I spent that night talking about the possibilities, texting Julie about insurance, discussing logistics, etc.  Kevin was cautiously optimistic.  I was over the moon excited and mostly overwhelmed.  As I'm reflecting, I feel like I should've felt strange about this whole process, but I never one time have.  It's like a sense of peace about it from day one.  Bizarre.

May 22nd was a Wednesday.  It was a beautiful night - Kevin and I walked for a long time that night talking, dreaming, planning.  It was perfect.  The next day, I was super busy at work and had a banquet for the studio at night, so I really didn't have much time - but I remember periodically throughout the day I would stop and think, did that seriously happen? I would then look back at the messages from the night before.  Yep.  That's real.  She seriously offered that.  I didn't dream that.  Holy crap, I might be somebody's mom.  No, seriously - SOMEBODY'S MOM.  

Julie and I talked a bit more thru text the night of the 23rd and she reassured me that she is still serious.  She's still not going anywhere.  And that whatever time we needed to get our ducks in a row was fine with her.  I'm telling you - this woman is an ANGEL.  I called our attorney that night and scheduled an appointment with her - this was a real possibility.

That weekend was Memorial Day which was extremely busy with end-of-the-year things at school, family time, and our niece's graduation in Dubuque - on Sunday night Julie texted me saying that she wanted to give us our space but that she wanted us to know that she was thinking about us. 

We met with our attorney on Tuesday (May 28th) afternoon to discuss the logistical legal business.  There were a few snafu's that needed to be addressed such as where the baby would be delivered, insurance, contract agreements, etc.  That night Julie and her husband Dan agreed to Skype with Kevin & I.  For some reason I was really nervous.  Yep, not nervous for someone else to carry my child - but terrified to talk with them over Skype.  I'm ridiculous.  Just ask Kevin.  :)  Our Skype session literally could not have gone better.  We got the logistics ironed out, the insurance business all turned out to be fine, she agreed to deliver where we live {I've told you a million times, she's wonderful}, and they are anticipating looking over the contract and signing it.  Out of that Skype conversation, I kept saying "this is just too good to be true.  There has to be a catch." Julie & Dan continued to emphasize that there is NO catch.  Julie shared a story about listening to her Pastor at church talk about the fact that there should be no random acts of kindness, only intentional acts of kindness.  That really made me stop and think.  And Dan said "there are not enough people in this world who will do the right thing simply because it's the right thing to do."  Both of them are angels sent straight from God himself.

This is for real.  She is going to bring a baby into this world that we get to keep forever.

God is so good.

Our Stork Got Lost

I've posted a couple of times on this blog about our struggle with infertility, but have been feeling lately like I need to do a little more.  I have found such comfort in reading the stories of other women who have walked this path before me and I feel like perhaps I need to share my story in hopes that someone else might find some comfort or hope.  I want to warn you before I start, I'm not holding back - these infertility posts will be no holds barred.  Feel free to come again tomorrow if you don't wanna read today - nobody will be mad.  :)

If you're choosing to stay - here we go:

Ever since I was a little girl, I have always wanted to be nothing other than a mom.  I dreamed of being pregnant, dreamed up names, practiced with baby dolls and then babysat any chance I could get.  I had always planned to get married and have kids soon after.  I {like many women} took for granted that I would be able to get pregnant, carry a baby inside my body, give birth, and become a mother to a beautiful child.

When Kevin and I got married in June of 2010, we knew we wanted to start our family right away.  He is older than I am, so he wanted to have more children quickly so he would get to experience as much of their lives as possible and given my forever dream to be a mom, I was happy with that plan.  Turns out, God had a different plan in mind.  Here's the medical deal, I don't ovulate.  Without ovulating each month, there is no egg to fertilize.  Without an egg to fertilize, there can be no baby.  So - we began fertility treatments.  We did pills, we did internal ultrasounds, we did blood draws every other day, we did shots every single day for months, we did doctor's appointments weekly, we did hormones - in other words, we did "Katie is in the CRAZY BASEMENT".  My poor husband.  Through all of the difficult months of fertility treatments, here is what I learned: if you had told me "do this for _____ months and you will get a baby", I would've done anything for any amount of time.  What I couldn't handle was the part about not getting a baby out of that madness.  You see, the only way I got through the shots, ultrasounds, doctors appointments, blood draws, pills, etc was with the HOPE that it would lead me to my child - but when it didn't, not only was I cranky because I had gone through not-fun stuff, but I also didn't have a baby.  So not fair.

After months of this nonsense, we were at a cross roads: we could go the route of IVF {pills, shots, etc leading to a surgical procedure where they remove my eggs and then use Kevin's sperm to create an embryo in a dish which is then re-inserted into my body and hopefully attaches to my uterus and then grows into a baby} or adoption.  Again, if someone had told me that IVF would have 100% lead me to our child - I would've done it without thinking twice.  But it's VERY expensive and not guaranteed.  While adoption is also very expensive, it definitely leads us to our baby.  So we have chosen the path of adoption.

I will not sit here and tell you that this decision has been without heartache because it hasn't.  I have {and sometimes still} grieved the loss of creating a biological child.  I am sad that I may never feel my baby kick while it's growing inside of me.  I am upset that I may never get the chance to see a child created by Kevin and I who has little pieces of each of us physically in them.  I am devastated that my body cannot or will not do what I have dreamed of for my entire life.

But at the end of the day, I know that this is God's plan.  I have no idea why, but I know that for some reason, He wants Kevin and I to walk this path.  And ONLY through constant prayer, have I come to realize that although all of the things that I grieve are very real losses for me - there are SO many more blessings in my story.  God can make families across oceans, across biology, across blood.  Certainly, God will create our family in His image and I will be more thankful to experience parenthood than I otherwise would've been.  Of those things, I am sure.

So I will choose to be thankful {even when I don't want to} for this journey I am walking and I will continue to dream about the day I am someone's mom.

I'm going to be someone's mom.  That sentence gives me hope.

I'm in L.O.V.E.

Well, I finally bit the bullet.  After a few years of wavering back and forth, trying to convince myself that I didn't want to go down this path, working on patience with our PC laptop - I finally just did it.  I switched to a Mac and I am officially in love.

It's taken me most of the afternoon to get things set up, begin transferring files, pictures, and music - but I'm making progress.  In addition, the process of figuring how this operating system works is proving to be a bit of a challenge.  I find myself trying to right click, or scrolling the wrong way - hopefully this learning curve won't last too long!  Each time I sit down to get a little bit of work done, I find it's a little easier to work.  Actually, I think I'm OVERthinking things - really I can just move the window down, or scroll my fingers where I want the picture to go - unlike a PC which is actually far more complicated, I just am used to it.

I do have one confession to make - I've already broken up with iPhoto.  My OCD cannot handle the way that program tries to organize photos.  My I-love-everything-neatly-in-a-dated-folder brain was unable to handle all of the events and not being able to find what I was looking for.  Perhaps iPhoto and I will try to date again in the future, but for now the switch to a Mac is about all I can take today.

In addition friends, this little love affair of mine might just encourage me to post on the old blog more often - any reason to play with my new toy!  :)

Two posts in one day is off to an excellent start.  If I do say so myself.