Our Stork Got Lost

I've posted a couple of times on this blog about our struggle with infertility, but have been feeling lately like I need to do a little more.  I have found such comfort in reading the stories of other women who have walked this path before me and I feel like perhaps I need to share my story in hopes that someone else might find some comfort or hope.  I want to warn you before I start, I'm not holding back - these infertility posts will be no holds barred.  Feel free to come again tomorrow if you don't wanna read today - nobody will be mad.  :)

If you're choosing to stay - here we go:

Ever since I was a little girl, I have always wanted to be nothing other than a mom.  I dreamed of being pregnant, dreamed up names, practiced with baby dolls and then babysat any chance I could get.  I had always planned to get married and have kids soon after.  I {like many women} took for granted that I would be able to get pregnant, carry a baby inside my body, give birth, and become a mother to a beautiful child.

When Kevin and I got married in June of 2010, we knew we wanted to start our family right away.  He is older than I am, so he wanted to have more children quickly so he would get to experience as much of their lives as possible and given my forever dream to be a mom, I was happy with that plan.  Turns out, God had a different plan in mind.  Here's the medical deal, I don't ovulate.  Without ovulating each month, there is no egg to fertilize.  Without an egg to fertilize, there can be no baby.  So - we began fertility treatments.  We did pills, we did internal ultrasounds, we did blood draws every other day, we did shots every single day for months, we did doctor's appointments weekly, we did hormones - in other words, we did "Katie is in the CRAZY BASEMENT".  My poor husband.  Through all of the difficult months of fertility treatments, here is what I learned: if you had told me "do this for _____ months and you will get a baby", I would've done anything for any amount of time.  What I couldn't handle was the part about not getting a baby out of that madness.  You see, the only way I got through the shots, ultrasounds, doctors appointments, blood draws, pills, etc was with the HOPE that it would lead me to my child - but when it didn't, not only was I cranky because I had gone through not-fun stuff, but I also didn't have a baby.  So not fair.

After months of this nonsense, we were at a cross roads: we could go the route of IVF {pills, shots, etc leading to a surgical procedure where they remove my eggs and then use Kevin's sperm to create an embryo in a dish which is then re-inserted into my body and hopefully attaches to my uterus and then grows into a baby} or adoption.  Again, if someone had told me that IVF would have 100% lead me to our child - I would've done it without thinking twice.  But it's VERY expensive and not guaranteed.  While adoption is also very expensive, it definitely leads us to our baby.  So we have chosen the path of adoption.

I will not sit here and tell you that this decision has been without heartache because it hasn't.  I have {and sometimes still} grieved the loss of creating a biological child.  I am sad that I may never feel my baby kick while it's growing inside of me.  I am upset that I may never get the chance to see a child created by Kevin and I who has little pieces of each of us physically in them.  I am devastated that my body cannot or will not do what I have dreamed of for my entire life.

But at the end of the day, I know that this is God's plan.  I have no idea why, but I know that for some reason, He wants Kevin and I to walk this path.  And ONLY through constant prayer, have I come to realize that although all of the things that I grieve are very real losses for me - there are SO many more blessings in my story.  God can make families across oceans, across biology, across blood.  Certainly, God will create our family in His image and I will be more thankful to experience parenthood than I otherwise would've been.  Of those things, I am sure.

So I will choose to be thankful {even when I don't want to} for this journey I am walking and I will continue to dream about the day I am someone's mom.

I'm going to be someone's mom.  That sentence gives me hope.

I'm in L.O.V.E.

Well, I finally bit the bullet.  After a few years of wavering back and forth, trying to convince myself that I didn't want to go down this path, working on patience with our PC laptop - I finally just did it.  I switched to a Mac and I am officially in love.

It's taken me most of the afternoon to get things set up, begin transferring files, pictures, and music - but I'm making progress.  In addition, the process of figuring how this operating system works is proving to be a bit of a challenge.  I find myself trying to right click, or scrolling the wrong way - hopefully this learning curve won't last too long!  Each time I sit down to get a little bit of work done, I find it's a little easier to work.  Actually, I think I'm OVERthinking things - really I can just move the window down, or scroll my fingers where I want the picture to go - unlike a PC which is actually far more complicated, I just am used to it.

I do have one confession to make - I've already broken up with iPhoto.  My OCD cannot handle the way that program tries to organize photos.  My I-love-everything-neatly-in-a-dated-folder brain was unable to handle all of the events and not being able to find what I was looking for.  Perhaps iPhoto and I will try to date again in the future, but for now the switch to a Mac is about all I can take today.

In addition friends, this little love affair of mine might just encourage me to post on the old blog more often - any reason to play with my new toy!  :)

Two posts in one day is off to an excellent start.  If I do say so myself.

Time Flies

I have been neglecting this little blog of mine in the worst possible way.  It hasn't been intentional, but that's certainly no excuse.

A dear friend of mine and I were hanging out last night doing girly things and she said to me "you know who would be a great blogger?" I said, "no, who?" She replied with "YOU - you have such an interesting life!  I bet everyone would want to read your blog!"

I quickly explained to her that I do in fact HAVE a blog, but that I clearly am a terrible blogger because I can never remember to write on it.  Actually, that's not true either - I do remember to write on it, I just never feel like my boring life is interesting enough to write about.  However, when I really stop to think about it - the blogs I adore, the ones I check in with every single day, the bloggers I feel connected to and think of as my friends {I am not a stalker...!} - those blogs are about everyday life.  And so, I have a new attitude about this blog.  This blog is for me.  These are things from my life that I want to remember.  If along the way, strangers stumble across this little blog - I would be thrilled.  But if the only person who ever reads this is me, my husband, and my mother - that's ok too!  :)

I am committed to updating a couple of times each week - I'd like to say once per day, but we're not gonna get all wild and crazy just yet.

Stay tuned.

Dear Maicey,

I'm not really sure where to begin, except to say that I simply cannot believe that you are 5 whole fingers old today!!  Where has the time gone?!  You promised me that you would stop growing up when you turned 4!

      

From the night you were born, the second your daddy put you in my arms and you stopped screaming, I knew you and I were going to be buddies forever.  You have always been a "Tante's Girl" - climbing into my lap at every chance you get, falling asleep on my shoulder, baking brownies with me, giggling until we have tears running down our face, curling hair, painting nails - you and I have done some really, really fun things!

 

I adore your determination and no-nonsense attitude.  You crack me up when your sassy (but your mom gets mad at me for laughing because it's sometimes a little naughty).  I love that you hate dirt and you think something is wrong when you're sweating.  Your sense of fashion makes me smile. You're a girly-girl thru and thru - just like your mom and me. 

 Most of all, I love the way you fiercely love your family, the way you pick on your brother and then defend him tooth and nail, the way you never think you're wrong, and the light in your eyes when you learn something new.  I pray you will never, ever grow tired of sitting down "just to chat", or laying on our blanket outside together watching the stars, or baking brownies "just because we can".  I hope you will always want to come over for a sleep over at Tante's and that you will continue to call me with your excited voice when something exciting happens in your life.

                                                           

  

You are going to do remarkable things with your life, Maicey.  Don't let anyone ever tell you any different.  Sometimes people aren't really sure what to do with people who are so sure of themselves and determined - but you just listen to your heart, those people will soon realize what an amazing little spirit you have.  You are absolutely going to change the world.

I love you more than the stars and the moon and the sky, Maicey Kay.

Love,

Tante

     

Something to Laugh About...

First I have something that isn't really something to laugh about.  A blogger I stumbled across through another blog I read is going through heart-wrenching, unimaginable, get-on-your-knees-and-pray pain right now.  Julee from The Turner Channel lost her husband earlier this week, and her sweet miracle baby, 10 month old Preslee, lost her daddy this week.  I don't know this family in real life, but my heart breaks into a million pieces for them.

In support of her, many bloggers are doing a day of silence, and I'm doing just the opposite.  She has inspired me to post a little about my story.  I'm not going to get into it very much tonight, but my husband and I have spent 2 years struggling through infertility.  It has been the biggest rollercoaster of my life, but I am absolutely a different and stronger person now than I was when I began.  I have been wanting to blog about this for awhile now, but it's so personal and I was too scared.  After reading Julee's blog, I've decided to swallow my fear and blog about it.  Julee's blog helped me, and maybe I can help someone else.

With all of that being said, here is a little excerpt from one of my favorite posts of her entire blog.  Something to laugh about...because there isn't much usually when talking about or going through this crazy journey.  But when you can find something, when you can see anything positive, when you can keep your heart in one piece and smile about the little things: that, my friends, gets you through the hard days.

So, here you go: something to laugh about.  :)

You can go read the article and more atwww.999reasonstolaugh.com... but here are her suggestions formore realistic titled fertility books:

• What to Expect after you’ve peed on a stick and you’re not sure if you really see a second line or it’s your imagination.
• What to Expect when you’ve been waiting all day for the fertility doctor to call you back.
• What to Expect after you’ve stared at the toilet paper and thought that you might have seen a red dot.
• What to Expect when you’re partner’s sperm count is in the negatives.
• What to Expect after you’ve had baby-making sex, not because you wanted to, but because it was ovulation time.
• What to Expect when cousin Martha gets pregnant on her first try.
• What to Expect when you have way too much PCOS-related facial hair.
• What to Expect after you’ve been inseminated by a 20 year old fertility intern named Teresa.
• What to Expect when your Facebook friends happily post their ultrasound photos and you want to shoot yourself.
• What to Expect after you’ve just eaten a container of ice cream following a BFN.
• What to Expect when you’re at a baby shower sobbing in the guest of honor’s bathroom.
• What to Expect when you have to give yourself a fertility injection during cousin Emma’s wedding.
• What to Expect when you’re mother gives you another newspaper articles about infertility.
• What to Expect when you’re completely jealous of all pregnant women but won’t ever admit it.
• What to Expect when you feel hopeless and this blog reminds you to never give up HOPE.

Please pray for Julee and Preslee.

Love,

Katie :)

A Little Sparkle

My mother is simply the most amazing woman on earth for many reasons - but among them, is that she truly listens.  Months ago my sister and I mentioned in passing that we were drooling over the new sparkly Uggs at the mall.  We love Uggs - they get us through the brutal weather in Iowa over the winter months.  As most of you know, we also coach a dance team together (for the school district that I teach in) and the school colors are Blue & Grey (but I like to say Blue & Silver - I mean, who doesn't need a little sparkle, right?!).  Every Friday at work, we have casual Friday and I just NEEDED these new Uggs to be my every Friday shoes.

Knowing that Christmas was months away and our birthdays are just quickly after Christmas, we both put our hopes aside and forgot about our new beloved boots.  One hot August day, my mom gave each of us a big package wrapped with birthday paper.  "Happy Birthday - a little early" she said to us.  We exchanged confused looks and then raced to open the package and beat the other like we were 3-years-old.

My friends, please behold the lovely addition to my Friday attire:

L.O.V.E.

My feet are warm and comfy.  And there is enough sparkle to go around on this Friday.

Happy Weekend!

Life Lately...

The past few days have been dreary and rainy here.  It really does a number on my mood.  I'm really glad the sun is out today - that makes me happy.  Life has continued to fly by as might be assumed by my lack of posting again.  I log-into my blog every single day to read the other blogs I love on the sidebar and think to myself "I really should post something" - but I feel so overwhelmed by all the things to talk about that I really don't know what to post.

I've decided to make myself a "Topics to Blog About" list and hopefully that will help me to just select something off the list and begin writing.  :)

I guess I'll just do a short little bullet list of life lately:

• I adore my new job, LOVE my students, and have really made some great new friends.  It has been a big change however and there are more days than not that I really feel like a first year teacher again.  I just keep thinking that next year will be so much better because everything won't be new.
• Along the same lines, I miss my old school so much it hurts sometimes.  I don't miss the crazy policies and long list of responsibilities placed on teachers there (duties, copies, big classes, behavioral issues, etc.), but I miss the people - both faculty and students.  My best friend in the entire world works in that building - we ate lunch together every day because we could, now we have to plan our meals together weeks in advance in order to see eachother.  My administrator at that school is a beloved mentor to me, whom I miss dearly.  An amazing woman with a beautiful heart who is NEVER too busy to put her pen down and look you in the eyes to really listen.  I miss that.  And my kiddos there - I really miss them.  They brought with them some major challenges, but they also really needed the adults at school. I miss the inside jokes with them.  I miss the progress I got to see everyday with them.  I just miss it.
• The hubs and I have been working hard to make dinner together at home and are really beginning to enjoy it.  We slip up alot sometimes and choose to go out, but we continue to get back on board with eating healthy and saving money.
• I have started working out with a group of awesome people.  I have always despised running, but as ridiculous as this might sound, I really want to like running.  With that in mind, I am determined to make myself enjoy it.  Currently, I'm tackling some major miles simply with walking - but I'm going to work my way up to running.  This might be interesting.

I think that's about it for today.  I'm off to make a list of things to blog about.  For myself.  And my 2 readers. :)

Happy Tuesday,

Katie