How to take care of a friend going through Infertility

Did you know that 1 in 8 couples will experience infertility?  How about the fact that nearly 7.3 million American women will experience difficulty getting pregnant?  That's a lot of people.  There is absolutely no reason this is such a quiet topic.  It's like nobody knows how to talk about it, so we just don't.  Well I am.  It's too important not to talk about it.

I can't tell you how many people have either asked me how to deal with a friend who is experiencing infertility or have actually reacted this way to me.  I am in no way passing judgement - I've been guilty of saying/doing these things before I was on this road of infertility myself.  I'm saying these things for the sole purpose of educating people and causing us all to think.

Questions like: How do I tell her I'm pregnant?  How do I talk about my kids?  How do I ask her how she's doing?  I know these are touchy subjects and I know it can be difficult - but my number 1 piece of advice is this: infertility is a PART of who I am, not my entire being.  I am still Kevin's wife, Kaitlyn's step-mom, Mike & Barb's daughter, Kim's sister, Sam & Maicey's Tante, a Christian, a teacher, a friend.  I genuinely don't want people to feel sorry for me...so please don't.  Please know that your empathy is what I want, not your sympathy.  I am capable of talking about more than our struggle to start a family.  I would love to just sit and have a normal conversation with you.  I'm really not that different.

How to announce that you're pregnant:

• First of all, TELL HER.  Don't make her find out from someone else, on Facebook, or in passing.  
• Don't assume we will be sad.  Pregnancy for ANYONE we love is an amazing thing and although we are sad for ourselves, we are happy for you.  Don't make your announcement about me.
• Saying things like, "I don't know why it's me and not you" or "I'm sure your time is coming" are not helpful.  The reason it's you and not me is because God decided that's the way it was.  We don't have to get it.  But that makes things a bit awkward.

How to talk about pregnancy/kids:

• I would first say that it's important to remember that no matter how crappy you feel while you're pregnant, no matter how irritating your children are to you today - please remember the ENORMOUS blessing you have been granted.  Constant complaining, joking about giving your children away, or wishing your pregnancy would be over are HIGHLY irritating to women going thru infertility.  I would give literally anything to be in your position...no matter how unglamorous it is.
• DO NOT ask anyone "when ya having babies?!"  First of all, it's simply rude.  If they wanted you to know they are trying, they would tell you.  Maybe they don't want children.  Or maybe they're struggling to get pregnant.  I cannot tell you the amount of times I used to ask this to my newly married friends.  Or how many times I've been asked this in the last three years.  It's an unnecessary question and frankly none of our business.
• The only other piece of advice I have in this area is to just simply talk about it.  I want to talk about your adorable children - just not all the time.  Again, I'm not that different.  :)

How to ask how I'm doing:

• First of all, I could not get thru this without the support of family and friends - so please don't underestimate the power of you simply taking the time to care about our struggle.
• Understand that while I love talking about our journey, it is not the sum total of who I am.  I don't want to talk about it everyday.  I love when people email me and say "I know you don't want to always talk about it, but if you do - please know I'm here." Or when someone says nothing more than "I'm praying for you".  Those small gestures mean a lot.
• This seems a little bit of a contradiction to what I just said, but be respectful of our privacy.  I (obviously) have no intention of keeping things private or not talking about our journey - but there are certain parts of our journey that we only plan to share with our family and closest friends.  I don't find the need to discuss eggs, sperm, and every minute detail of our journey with everyone on the planet.  Please don't ask specific personal questions - it's an awkward conversation. ((if you're my family/close friends who might as well be family - please disregard that bullet :) ))

In closing - please understand that every single day is different.  Depending on the day, our needs are different.  Sometimes just asking "how can I love you today?" is like the biggest breath of fresh air.  

I hope this list is helpful to some of my friends who have asked how to approach infertility.  And to anyone who's reading who has experienced infertility - please add comments if I've forgotten anything you think needs to be said.  Everyone is different and I would love to hear other perspectives.

Thanks for reading today, friends -